Setting the Record Straight

Recent swirling rumors of a breakup between Sienna Miller and Rhys Ifans has, as expected, led many in the media (I won't say any names) to speculate that her being this blogger's official Cinematic Crush may have been a contributing factor.

Well, allow me to put a rest to these ridiculous slanders at once. The esteemed San Francisco Chronicle reported that Ifans had been "going through her text messages" in an effort to find "incriminating evidence". As those who know me will gladly attest I don't even own a cellphone, let alone have any clue how in the world to send one of these so-called "text messages".

On top of that I have not, to this point, even had the fortune to meet Ms. Miller. I've never even seen her in person, not even from a great distance. Yes, there was the time I sent a screenplay to her agent (the story of a recovering alcoholic woman who manages a Starbucks and one day snaps after one too many soy lattes and takes a cross-country road trip that ends in tragedy at a winery in Washington state where she winds up off the wagon) but let the record show the only response I ever received was a letter the size of a thumbnail succinctly saying, "No chance in hell."

So let's allow this breakup to go forward with a little dignity, a little grace. If Sienna wants to Ugg-boot Rhys's ass back to Wales she should have everyone's full support.