' Cinema Romantico: G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra

Saturday, August 08, 2009

G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra

As I held out my ticket stub for Stephen Sommers' "G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra" to the usher he took note of the cellphone (yes, I own one) in my other hand and stated, "Sorry. All cellphones must be confiscated prior to entering the theater." I was, shall we say, a bit confused. "I'm sorry?" I said, rather politely. "Paramount's orders," the usher continued, "they want to avoid a 'Bruno' situation. Gotta hand over the cellphone or I can't let you in." "Do I get the cellphone back?" I wondered. "Depends on whether or not you liked the movie," stated the usher.

At that point I kindly thanked the usher for his time, turned around and walked out and handed my ticket to a surprised young man in the parking lot.

No doubt this pains you, my loyal readers, as you had turned to this blog in a desperate attempt to determine whether or not "G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra" was worth your hard-earned money, considering Paramount had prevented nearly all critics from screening it beforehand to inform the public of their opinions. But never fear! Having DVRd Wednesday's Tonight Show With Conan O'Brien for the sole reason that Sienna Miller was his guest I decided to watch the clip of the movie played during her interview and give my thoughts on "G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra" based on that! Okay, here we go...

Someone shoots out a window with a bazooka. I think it's a bazooka. I don't really know. And then we see Sienna Miller in her black leather suit running across a glass building with the Eiffel Tower hovering in the background so anyone who's confused knows we're in Paris. Then there's a robot scaling a roof. I think it's a robot. I don't really know. Then someone or something shoots the Eiffel Tower and a plume of green smoke - or something - appears. Then we see the robot. He's not really a robot. He's a guy in a metal suit. Or something. Then we Sienna Miller smile a devious smile (ooooooh myyyyyyy god).

Then a dude in a white suit jumps out of a window into a hovercraft. Or something. Did I see him before? I think he might have shot the bazooka but I'm not sure. I'm already getting confused. Now the Eiffel Tower is starting to give way. Uh oh. Now it falls down. Damn. Now Sienna Miller jumps aboard that hovercraft thing and now the guy in the metal suit jumps onto it too and then the dude in the white suit knocks out the guy in the metal suit and then Sienna Miller gets a pretty bad one-liner. And then we're done.

So based on this information I'm giving "G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra" a C-minus, basically because Sienna Miller looks quite fetching in that leather suit and she was very charming on Conan O'Brien.

3 comments:

Agent 2112 said...

Nick, they were seriously taking people's phones away at the theater? I hate cell phones in the theater, but I never thought phones would be confiscated.

Nicholas Prigge said...

Oh God, no. They weren't taking phones. At least I think they weren't. I didn't actually go to the movie.

So it's possible they might have been. I wouldn't past it them, actually. Therefore we'll say that if you go to "G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra" you might get your cellphone taken away. Buyer beware.

david said...

this may be your best review yet. maybe you should do all of your reviews from trailers.