' Cinema Romantico: Jolie Dominates Expendables Battle Royale

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Jolie Dominates Expendables Battle Royale


(AP) Hollywood CA, Aug. 14 — Angelina Jolie ran roughshod over the entire gaggle of Sylvester Stallone’s so-called “Expendables” yesterday, achieving easy victory by hurling Wesley Snipes over the rope and into the orchestra pit below at a Battle Royale in the sun-strewn Hollywood Bowl.

Jolie, who had challenged Stallone’s action hero legion to the Royale after he refused to cast her on account of what he vaguley termed "scheduling conflicts" and "logistical concerns", made short work of her 13 opponents.

The ultimate tenor of the everyone-in-the-ring-and-the-last-one-standing-wins match was defined midway through when Jolie ruptured the conspicuously bulging vein of Stallone’s forearm. Until that point, “The Expendables 3” auteur had been directing ring traffic and utilizing Randy Couture as a human shield to avoid the possibility of actually having to engage in a physical fight. But when Jolie employed a Stuart Weitzman Flying Heel Kick to the ribcage of Couture, he was down and out, revealing a clear path to Stallone.

Stallone refused comment after the match.

Jason Statham declared “revenge” in the aftermath of Stallone's dismissal but Jolie thwarted his attempts with a Mrs. Smith styled drop kick. Jet Li briefly gained the upper-hand with a wily bit of flying kung-fu but Jolie simply levitated and rendered him comatose with a variation of the Famke Janssen Thigh Strangle.

That left Jolie face to face with Rhonda Rousey who had gone rogue moments earlier and punched Antonio Banderas unconscious when he tried to flirt with her. Jolie, however, used her Angelina Aura to succumb Rousey. With only Snipes remaining, Jolie was treated to her most taxing combat of the afternoon, but took advantage of a Snipes-ian one-liner to position him in her Quod Me Nutrit Me Destruit Death Grip to fling him from the arena and earn victory.

Jolie entered the ring in a duster to the sounds of Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl."

The eventual winner got a head start when Harrison Ford declared via video that he would not be attending the Battle Royale because he “didn’t understand what any of this horses*** was.” Arnold Schwarzenegger spent the first five minutes arguing with a ringside judge why he wasn’t allowed to use the gatling gun he brought at which point Jolie snuck up behind him and put him in a Blood & Honey Bear Hug.

A simple Jolie-esque smile caused Dolph Lundgren to surrender without a fight. Stallone then ordered Terry Crews to sacrifice himself for the good of the cause. Jolie easily halted his advance with telepathy, turned him upside down, and employed him as a wheelbarrow to run both he and Mel Gibson out of the ring.

Kelsey Grammer pulled a hamstring in the first thirty seconds and withdrew.

1 comment:

Vancetastic said...

I was wondering what all the hubbub was down that way the other day.

Oh wait, I live in Australia now.