' Cinema Romantico: Random Cinematic Awards 2014

Friday, January 02, 2015

Random Cinematic Awards 2014

Her eminence, Nicole Kidman, is here to present Cinema Romantico's annual awards.

Best Line of the Year: "You see, there are still faint glimmers of civilization left in this barbaric slaughterhouse that was once known as humanity. Indeed that's what we provide in our own modest, humble, insignificant.....oh, fuck it." - Ralph Fiennes, "The Grand Budapest Hotel" 

Best Out of Context Line of the Year Pt. 1: "Out of sight." - Josh Brolin, "Inherent Vice"

Best Out of Context Line of the Year Pt. 2: "That's not your bag." - Josh Brolin, "Inherent Vice"

Best Out of Context Line of the Year Pt. 3: "Right on." - Josh Brolin, "Inherent Vice"


The Annual I-Like-My-Brandy-In-A-Glass Award (presented to the best drink in a movie): Tilda Swinton. Blood. "Only Lovers Left Alive."

The Annual I'll-Buy-You-A-Sierra-Celebration Award (presented annually to the Best Director of the year who the Academy annually fails to nominate which annually leads to me offering to buy him/her a Sierra Celebration): Kelly Reichardt, "Night Moves"

The Michael Clayton Award (presented to the best closing credits sequence in a movie): "Calvary." Simple, quiet brilliance in re-serving so many of the locales we have already seen and asking, after all that has happened, whether we look at them through the lens of nihilism or faith.

The Annual Merv Griffin Is The Elevator Killer Award (presented to the best movie cameo of the year): James Spader, "The Homesman." The moment when he appears full of falsely-polite bluster and an Irish accent you will instantaneously think: "Of course! Not a single other human living or dead could have possibly played this part!"


The Annual Laurel & Hardy Award (presented to the best duo in a movie): Sally Hawkins & Ken Watanbe, "Godzilla." The title monster has nothing on these two. Nothing. They are the ultra-glorious mouth-agape hosts of an Exposition Variety Hour.

The Annual Carson Welles Award (presented to the movie character most deserving of his/her own movie): Amber Heard, "3 Days To Kill". Like when she was in the burlesque club! Why was she in the burlesque club?! Did she own it?! Did she merely conduct business there?! Was it her regular hang-out?! Was she dating a dancer?! Was she mentor to a dancer?! Did she just want to freak Kevin Costner the eff out?! SO MANY QUESTIONS!!!

The Annual Marie & Jesse Award (presented to the best best friend in a movie): Gaby Hoffmann, "Obvious Child" & "Wild". In one way, it's disappointing that an actress as talented as Ms. Hoffmann was reduced to a couple characters with no discernible life of her own aside from supporting the protagonist. Yet, Ms. Hoffmann infused each of these roles with the decided air of a person who purposely set aside her own problems when necessary to aid her pals in their respective hours of need.

The Annual Julia Roberts Award (presented to the best movie character smile): Robin Wright, "A Most Wanted Man." Her smile is like a whole other character unto itself. Her smile is completely genuine and a total fraud. Her smile knows what you don't and knows what you think you know is wrong. Her smile feels sorry for you because her smile knows you never had a chance.


The Annual Buck C. Turgidson Award (presented to the best facial expression in a movie): Emily Blunt, "Edge of Tomorrow." See above (or: no explanation necessary).

The Annual Erich Wolfgang Korngold Award (presented to the best musical score of the year): Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross for "Like Home" from "Gone Girl." That piece of music said more about the myth of the perfect marriage than the film itself.

The Annual Then He Kissed Me In Goodfellas Award (presented for the best use of pop music in a movie this year): "Land Ho" by Keegan Dewitt & Ólöf Rún Benediktsdóttir in "Land Ho!" And shout for joy, all you who are upright in heart.

The Annual Best Of My Love In Boogie Nights Award (presented for the second best use of pop music in a movie this year): "Harvest" by Neil Young in "Inherent Vice." The true paradises are the paradises that we have lost.

The Annual "Now We Can Eat" Award (presented to the best meal in a movie): Ellar Coltrane & Zoe Graham. Queso. "Boyhood." Two teenagers eating late night queso at an Austin, TX diner while shooting the shit is so teenagerly true and one of the deft touches that makes "Boyhood" the rich experience it is.

The Annual Scarlett O'Hara Curtain Dress Award (presented to the best piece of cinematic clothing of the year): Marion Cotillard's halter tops in "Two Days, One Night." The way their brightness clashed with the ghost-white of her face is why Maïra Ramedhan Levi deserves an Oscar nomination for Costume Design as much as "Into the Woods."


The Annual Keira Knightley Wears A Hat Award (presented to the best instance of Keira Knightely wearing a hat in a movie): Keira Knightley, "The Imitation Game."

The Annual Roger Ebert Award (presented to the best movie review of the year): Wesley Morris, "The Other Woman." Read here.

The Annual Pauline Kael Award (presented to the best movie-related quote of the year): "('A Most Violent Year') is like the penitent, hungover A.A. meeting that follows the all-night cocaine overdose of 'American Hustle.'" - Andrew O'Hehir, Salon

3 comments:

Alex Withrow said...

Love these. So damn funny but also so true. James Spader was epic in The Homesman. What a blowhard.

“Like Home” on repeat. All day.

And I love the way you described Marion’s clothes in Two Days, One Night. Such subtle yet perfect costume design.

Nick Prigge said...

I always seek to single out costume design for smaller movies such as that one. Not that the costume design for big costume epics, and such, isn't great but, man there's so much more that goes into it than just the obvious stuff, you know?

Andrew K. said...

Astute on Ms Hoffman. I rewatched Obvious Child and although the character is a sliver I forgot how incisive she is despite that. (And I felt a bit badly wishing she was the lead instead of Slate, even though Obvious Child is lovely.)

(I swear when Keira wore that hat in her first, second, AND third scene in The Imitation Game I thought there was no way Nick doesn't make a mention of it.)