' Cinema Romantico: 5 Theories for Kylie Minogue's Final Line of San Andreas Dialogue

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

5 Theories for Kylie Minogue's Final Line of San Andreas Dialogue

And so the release date of “San Andreas” draws nearer. We here at Cinema Romantico are over-the-moon anticipatory for Brad Peyton’s CGI spectacle of the earthquake to end the Earthquake. Not because of the movie itself, mind you. Ha! That’s kooky talk! No, we are excited to finally find out just who in the hell our beloved Kylie Minogue will be playing. We know she’s playing someone named “Susan Riddick” and that Ioan Gruffudd is playing someone named “Daniel Riddick” because IMDB tells us so, but beyond that……nothing. We have scoured the Internet, believe us, for traces of Susan Riddick’s character DNA and come up empty. And yet, in the wake of the obligatorily glitzy film premiere, one clue trickled in from the Twitters in the form of a Tweet from New Idea Magazine's Associate Editor, Matthew Denby.

. 's final line of dialogue in is the title of one of her songs.

A ha! Well now we're onto something!


5 Theories for Kylie Minogue's Final Line of San Andreas Dialogue

Better the Devil You Know. Susan Riddick, famed seismologist, gives the keynote address at a conference regarding the potential of “an Earthquake Storm.” “This,” she explains, “is a cataclysmic series of earthquakes spread out over many years. Yet our recent models show an increasing likelihood that this storm could, in fact, catastrophically take place over a period of several weeks rather than years, a scientific anomaly not unlike the one featured in Roland Emmerich's The Day After Tomorrow.” Less than 24 hours later, the storm is unleashed. A colleague looks at Susan Riddick in their chic laboratory and remarks, ominously, “It's happening just like you said it would.” Susan Riddick shrugs: “Better the Devil You Know.” The floor collapses and they plummet to their ultimate demise.

Never Too Late. As if trucked in from a bad Hallmark movie, Susan Riddick is a married mother of three who, lately, has been devoting far too much to getting ahead on the corporate ladder, working late and on weekends, forgetting her daughter's recital and her son's track meet. When her husband speaks, her mind drifts to the quarterly financials. Her life, you might say, is in need of a shake-up. She gets it. On the way to her other son's soccer game where she's supposed to have the halftime treats she has forgotten the last 22 soccer games in a row, the great quake hits. Fatally wounded, she still somehow straggles though a decimated city and to the soccer field where she hands out treats to injured kids and parents. “You remembered,” her other son says. “It's never too late,” she says with her final breath.

Go Hard or Go Home. Susan Riddick, three time 24 Hours of Le Mans champion, is in San Francisco for a road race and in traffic on the Golden Gate Bridge with her manager when the quake strikes. As the Golden Gate is torn free from the Marin Headlands, thereby leaving nowhere to flee, Susan Riddick guns the engine anyway. Her manager, panicked, screams “There's no way you can make that jump!” to which Susan Riddick replies, grinning, “Go Hard or Go Home.” They don't make it.

Your Disco Needs You. Susan & Daniel Riddick are a faded Disco Power Couple. And with disco having faded from popular consciousness, their marriage has crashed on the rocks along with their love of Donna Summer (their mentor). But, as “San Andreas” opens, they have a chance run-in with nu-disco mogul Hans-Peter Lindstrøm (as himself). Susan feels herself being swayed to the good side of the force. Daniel, not so much. Yet in a moving sequence, as she takes to the dance floor and becomes lost in the rhythm, feeling space, she pleads for Daniel to join her. He resists. “Don't you see?!” she cries. “Your disco needs you!” Alas, the quake strikes, the dance floor collapses and Susan falls into the void. Daniel, after mourning, realizes his disco does need him and teams up with Lindstrøm for an epic album made in Susan's honor. His song bearing her name opens the Earthquake Benefit of 2015. The film bombs in America. It does gangbusters in Berlin.

Je Ne Sais Pas Pourquoi. In the midst of earthquake chaos, Emma (Carla Gugino) looks to Susan Riddick. Emma: “Do you remember why you wanted to do this movie?” Susan Riddick: “Je Ne Sais Pas Pourquoi.” A CGI steel beam falls on top of Susan Riddick. Emma looks to the sky and screams: “Take me too! TAKE ME TOO!!!!!!!”

5 comments:

Wretched Genius said...

Maybe she has a death scene, where her skull gets impaled on a piece of rebar, and her final line, spoken while clutching the bar, is "I can't get you out of my head."

It's stupid, yes, but also stupidly plausible given the movie we're talking about.

Nick Prigge said...

You know, that sounds COMPLETELY plausible to me.

*jaime said...

Running through the streets as buildings fall all around, she takes shelter in a reinforced train station with a bug-eyed drug dealer (Robbie cameo!). As they watch the buildings fall around them, they see a few Millennials walk straight into a newly created crevasse because they are too busy looking at Snapchat on their phones. Kylie and Robbie look at each other, chuckle, and say, "Kids!"

Nick Prigge said...

Oh my God. Now I just want to watch an entire film constructed around Kylie uttering titles to her own songs.

Also, I'm going to be supremely disappointed when I see this awful movie and learn there isn't a Robbie cameo. There should be a Robbie cameo.

J said...

"Get outta my way!"

But these songs describe her scene a little more clearly...

"Higher"
"Too far"
"Shocked"
"Into the blue"
"What kinda fool"