My friend Nicolle introduced me to “Zoolander”, Ben Stiller’s comic rumination on vacuous male models, years after its release. I merely found it diverting, a series of Youtube sketches several years before Youtube actually existed. Like, I can tell you about the Walk Off because it was awesome, and I can tell you about the Billy Zane cameo because it was transcendent, and I can tell you about Stiller’s returning home to work in the coal mine with his father and brothers and watching the Penn State game because it was comic gold, but I can’t tell you much more. I can’t even tell you how it ended. I honestly don’t remember.
And maybe it doesn’t matter. Maybe I had “Zoolander” all wrong. Because maybe it wasn’t a pre-Youtube sketch so much as movie fashion magazine, the ones you flip through to see the ads of the models more than the articles, and Stiller was just flipping through a magazine, flipping and flipping and flipping and flipping, and occasionally you’d stop on something that intrigued you. And though I had no intention of picking up the second issue of “Zoolander”, well, the other night I was watching football and a “Zoolander 2” commercial popped up and it was like picking up a fashion magazine in the grocery aisle with the intention of just flipping through until it’s your turn to have your items scanned and run your debit card except the cover is so entrancing you can’t put it down and suddenly find yourself buying it. And that’s not to say I’ll see “Zoolander 2” for what else could there possibly be to say other than……Penelope Cruz’s hair, which I give an A+, five stars, two thumbs up, forty-seven gold stickers, three extra distinctions of Outstanding Achievement, and the first-ever Coiffure Banana Split.