' Cinema Romantico: Random Cinematic Awards 2015

Friday, January 01, 2016

Random Cinematic Awards 2015


As always, her eminence, Nicole Kidman, is here to present Cinema Romantico's annual awards of cinematic randomness.

Line of the Year: “You’re funny. It’s the Bulgarian clown in you.” - Rose Byrne, “Spy”

Monologue of the Year: “Hunt is uniquely trained and highly motivated - a specialist without equal - immune to any countermeasures. There is no secret he cannot extract, no security he cannot breach, no person he cannot become. He has most likely anticipated this very conversation and is waiting to strike in whatever direction we move. Sir, Hunt is the living manifestation of destiny - and he has made you his mission.” - Alec Baldwin “Mission: Impossible - Rogue Nation”

Movie Tweet of the Year: “Teach yourself something new.” - “Mistress America”. In 28 characters of their allotted 140 Greta Gerwig & Noah Baumbach supremely expose the ultra-banality of Twitter's un-relenting army of pseudo-philosophers.


The Annual Scarlett O'Hara Curtain Dress Award (presented to the best costume design in a movie): Wendy Chuck for “Spotlight”. The shirts are too big, the pants are too baggy, the shoes are off the clearance rack. It’s not the sorta costuming that wins Oscars, but it wins random awards at Cinema Romantico.

The Annual I-Like-My-Brandy-In-A-Glass Award (presented to the best drink in a movie): Screwdrivers in “Mistress America.” Effortlessly embodying the faux-sophistication of every college student on the planet.

The Annual Keith Richards Award (presented to the best guitar hero in a movie): Coma Doof Warrior, “Mad Max: Fury Road.” Double duh, man. When you live in a world without tape decks you gotta get creative.

The Annual Waltz in Swing Time Award (presented to the best dance in a movie): Kevin Corrigan in “Results.” Sweaty, sincere and hilarious, Corrigan’s solo dance party in the midst of so many others doubles as the best end credits sequence in a movie in 2015.


The Annual Carson Welles Award (presented to the movie character most deserving of his/her own spinoff): Tessa Thompson as Bianca in “Creed.” I’m sure there will be a “Creed” sequel since Hollywood Law dictates it, but oh how desperately I wish it would be a half-hip hop musical called “Bianca.”

The Annual Merv Griffin Is The Elevator Killer Award (presented to the best movie cameo of the year): Keren Morr, “Gett: The Trial of Viviane Amsalem”. The trial of the title has been going on for awhile with Viviane getting more and more upset over her inability to separate from her spouse under Jewish Divorce Law because her spouse refuses to grant the divorce while the Rabbinic Court keeps urging her to just give it another shot and why is she here anyway? and what’s the point to all this? when finally Morr walks into the room to testify and in a gloriously graceless one-scene walk-off performance looks the room in the eye and says, essentially, these two are not good for each other and they shouldn’t be together and, my God, what’s the hubbub, bub, to preventing something so gob-smackingly simple. She is so unwittingly forthright in a room full of insincere legal yakkety-yak that you just want to hug her.

The Annual Sam Elliot Award (presented to the single most pitch perfect piece of casting in a movie): Jason Bateman, “The Gift.” Mr. Bateman is not what we would term a rangy actor which has admittedly made it difficult to get his sterling turn as Michael Bluth out of our heads. Everyone keeps casting him as Michael Bluth-ish characters, just set at slightly different degrees on the acting thermostat. But finally, Joel Edgerton took that Bluth-ness and made him perform a 180; watching Bateman in “The Gift” is like that incredible moment in “30 Rock” at Liz’s high school reunion and everything flips and we suddenly realize she’s the Mean Girl.

The Annual Basil Exposition Award (presented to the best case of exposition giving in a movie): Paul Giamatti, “San Andreas.” As a Caltech seismologist, Giamatti’s entire role revolves around standing (or sitting) in a room far away from the special effects and explaining what’s happening, both to the audience and to people in the movie. And while Mr. Giamatti easily could have Skyped in his performance while collecting his paycheck, he refuses, instead delivering his mighty reams of exposition with extraordinary gusto. You might think Dwayne Johnson would be having all the fun piloting aircrafts and staring down toppling skyscrapers but you would be wrong; Giamatti’s the one having an absolute ball.


The Annual Raquel Welch Poster Award (presented to the best prop in a movie): Oxygen Armband in “Mission: Impossible - Rogue Nation.” Well, how else are you going to know how long you have to hold your breath while pulling off a bit of underwater derring-do?

The Annual Then He Kissed Me In Goodfellas Award (presented for the best use of pop music in a movie this year): “My Love Will Not Let You Down”, Bruce Springsteen in “Ricki and The Flash.” Irrefutable proof that Bruce Springsteen heals all sounds. ... Well, not really, but he damn sure soothes the hell out of ‘em.

The Annual Best Of My Love In Boogie Nights Award (presented for the second best use of pop music in a movie this year): “Waterloo” in “The Martian.” Disco is not subtle; disco is loud and proud and in your face, which is why employing “Waterloo” to accompany your protagonist’s overcoming his own potential Waterloo is so exuberantly apropos.

The Annual "Now We Can Eat" Award (presented to the best meal in a movie): Spaghetti in “Buzzard” & Cake in “Spotlight.” Joshua Burge’s inhalation of a whole plate of spaghetti in one take becomes the epitome of self-impressed slothfulness; Rachel McAdams and Brian d’Arcy James inhalation of cake while walking & working becomes the epitome of unhealthy workaholism.


The Annual Buck C. Turgidson Award (presented to the best facial expression in a movie): Cate Blanchett, “Carol.” See above.

The Annual All-Clad 12-Inch Stainless Steel Fry Pan Award (presented to the best camera pan in a movie): Roger Deakins panning down to Josh Brolin’s flip-flops in “Sicario.” If you’ve seen it, no explanation is necessary; if you haven’t seen it, no explanation would suffice.

The Annual Cinema Paradiso Award (presented to the best movie within a movie): “Broken Arrow” in “The End of the Tour”. I feel like you would need a whole other movie unto itself in order to properly summarize the outrageous meta-ness of David Foster Wallace watching John Woo's action thriller at the Mall of America.

The Annual Roger Ebert Award (presented to the best movie review quote of the year): “There’s often no sharpness to the way (Greta) Gerwig delivers a line. She’s not reading, but she’s also not talking the way most people do. So you’re not sure how to relate, and that foreign demeanor can be alluring, the way it was with Melanie Griffith and Rosanna Arquette, where you were sure they knew what was going on — as performers and as human beings — even if you didn’t. With Gerwig, you worry that she seems to be winging it — until you realize that she also knows how to fly.” - Wesley Morris

The Annual Pauline Kael Award (presented to the best movie related essay of the year): Molly Lambert, on the secretly dark history of “Cocktail.” Read here.

3 comments:

Derek Armstrong said...

Hello there Nick! Sorry I've been absent from your blog for many months now, but it's time to tune back in for awards season! (Also, things figure to be quieting down for me -- but not until February.) Can't wait to see your top ten. Coming soon? My list is up on Oscar nomination Thursday, as usual. Love this list, but don't forget -- Sir Paul (Giammati, of course) was actually out on the Hoover Dam when it collapsed. He's a man of action, dammit! Love the love of Tessa Thompson and Creed, but I'm starting to sense that Mistress America will figure into your top ten ... yes, I said "but."

Nick Prigge said...

Vance (Derek)! Long time no see! Good point on Giamatti. I'd honestly forgotten that part. Lotta movies between then and now.

My Top 10 will be up Monday. And spoiler: Mistress America is my #1, and it's not close.

Sati. said...

Awesome list! I love the point you made about Spotlight and the costumes.