Earlier this week it was reported by several outlets, including Uproxx, that LucasFilm screened 28 minutes of the forthcoming blockbuster to-be "Rogue One", the "Star Wars" Death-Star-Plans-Stealing spinoff, at Skywalker Ranch. If it seems sort of shocking that they would do such a thing given how information surrounding a new "Stars War" movie is kept more clandestine than the top secret information our President Elect receives in the few security briefings he actually deigns to attend before Tweeting about it, well, rest assured that nothing particularly spoiler-rific was shown, depending upon your definition of spoiler-rific. This 28 minutes, it seems, was chiefly a way to get "people talking", and to get people to say nice things about what they saw, which sort of seems pointless since most "Star Wars" fans who are going to see this have already decided they are going to love it and most film critics who are chastising "Star Wars" for having already decided they are going to love it have already decided they are not going to love it as much as those "Star Wars" fans who have already decided they are going to love it.
Anyway, this got me to thinking about "Collateral Beauty", the new film from Richard Curtis. Er, right, sorry, not Richard Curtis. It only seems like it would be the new film from Richard Curtis. I don't really want to see "Collateral Beauty", but I also kind of do, and so I thought, hey, if people could pen semi-reviews of "Rogue One" off sporadic footage, why I couldn't I do the same for "Collateral Beauty"? What a brave new world!!!
So, where is "Collateral Beauty" set? Oh. Right. Of course. New York. It's set in New York. Thanks, obligatory shot of the Brooklyn Bridge!
So, when is "Collateral Beauty" set? Oh. Right. Of course. Christmas. It's set at Christmas. Because Christmas, see, is magical!!!
We know it's magical, see, because the main character played by Will Smith, a character who has suffered heartbreak, is writing literal letters to "Death" and "Time" and "Love."
And boy oh boy, say what you will about that premise, but when Will Smith comes face to face with "Death", he really does look like a guy who's just come face to face with "Death." Point, Smith.
By the way, kudos to Will Smith, in an industry where vanity is valued, for letting himself go gray.
Boy does Will Smith peddle that bike with ferocity! (Point, Smith.) Do you think this is a climactic bike ride in advance of a dramatic confessional? I bet it's a climactic ride in advance of a dramatic confessional.
I don't know precisely what's going on with these dominoes, but I'm willing to bet it is a case of hardcore symbolism.
Keira Knightley plays "Love", and I love how "Love" seems so Sad in every shot in each trailer.
Oh. Hey. Did you also know this movie stars Kate Winslet? Excuse me. Let me start over. (Pause.) Oh. Hey. Did you know this movie stars Academy Award™ Winner Kate Winslet? God, I love getting to see that phrase in trailers - Academy Award™ Winner Kate Winslet. That's just the bee's knees.
Wait. This movie stars Keira and Kate. Crap. I am going to have to see this for real. Dammit. Fine. I'll catch it when it shows up on TNT. We will reconvene then.