Fall Movie Preview By Necessity

The saying is life comes at you fast, but sometimes life comes at you slow. Or, maybe it’s like, life comes at you slow but you realize life has come at you slow all of a sudden, so it feels fast. Or something. I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. To wit, all the people at the recent Toronto International Film Festival were passing judgement on something called “The Fablemans” and I was all like, “What the hell is ‘The Fablemans?’” Turns out, it’s the new Steven Spielberg movie. Now I would like to claim I haven’t the foggiest how I, we, Cinema Romantico, at the vanguard of the movie blogging industry, missed the news of a new Spielberg joint, but then I know exactly how this happened. 

If it’s true my radar is no longer attuned to movie release news the way once it was because I’ve lost interest in much of the product coming off the Hollywood mainstream assembly line, it’s also true that in the social media age, where movie trailers are essentially beamed directly into my eyes, that I am both flooded with more and more information and yet retaining less and less. The last thing you need is me waxing nostalgic about the Entertainment Weekly Fall Movie Preview for the eleventy billionth time but, hey, there are actual studies that you retain less information scrolling your phone than reading print. And once I could memorize key dates in those EW movie previews like the Nebraska Football schedule. (“The House of Yes” opens October 10th and Nebraska plays Kansas October 25th.) So, I thought a fall movie preview was in order, for me, quite honestly, to rummage through the upcoming releases and figure out what they were, and for you too, the similarly confused or unknowing ones who were also ignorant of Guillermo del Toro’s stop-motion “Pinocchio” (I don’t know), or the live action/animated “Lyle, Lyle Crocodile” (I really don’t know).  

A movie preview for those without a clue!

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Before we get to the preview proper, let’s get all the jokes about remakes and sequels out of the way first.

Halloween Ends. Sure it does! Puss in Boots: The Last Wish. It better be! Disenchanted. You’re telling me! Hellraiser. Hell is film franchise eternity. Black Panther: Wakanda Forever. Speaking of which. House Party. Every time I leave the house, every time you two. Hocus Pocus 2. Double, double, toil, and trouble. Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery. “The Fugitive” >>> “U.S. Marshals”

Now on with the preview.

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Blonde. Already opened. Like “Joker,” the discourse around Andrew Dominik’s Marilyn Monroe (Ana de Armas) epic is already so fraught and wearying that I will probably see this at some point much later on and work out my thoughts in a review that I’ll never publish.

Don’t Worry Darling. 9/23. This might be a psychological thriller about a utopian community experiment gone wrong, but I had to look that up on IMDb because all I knew about it was gossip about in-fighting among its stars. Whatever. “The Misfits” was a troubled production, too, and hey, that only turned into one of those rare flawed masterpieces. 

The Greatest Beer Run Ever. 9/30. Seemingly less “Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle” than Peter Farrelly’s continuing descent from slapstick to Mrs. Butterworth schmaltz, I can’t shake the feeling this movie should have been something else entirely and made in 1976 with Burt Reynolds and Adrienne Barbeau. 

Amsterdam. 10/7. David O. Russell filtering himself through a Wes Anderson soundboard, it would appear, though I’m less interested in discussing the movie itself right now than the trailer and wondering who wins it. Because even though it’s always nice to see Christian Bale activating his awards show raconteur for a movie, and though I’m intrigued by Mike Myers playing General Ed Fenech in the full-on key of comedy, this blog doesn’t hide its biases and nothing is funnier than a menacing Michael Shannon giggle.

All Quiet on the Western Front. 10/7. Billed as A Netflix Original this is, of course, based on the book that produced the 3rd Oscar Best Picture winner back in 1930. If that hardly suggests something Original, I find hope here, that perhaps Hulu can remake “The Broadway Melody” (1929 Best Picture) and Disney Plus can remake “Wings” (1928 Best Picture) and then the loop of remakes will close.

Triangle of Sadness. 10/4. An at-sea black comedy with some eat the rich undertones, I know how this one ends, given it won the Palme d’Or at Cannes, and I won’t give it away here except to say that I had I completed my terrible “Raiders of the Lost Ark” spoof on VHS camcorder 25 years ago in which the plate at The Last Supper tagged in for the Ark of Covenant and instead of melting everyone’s faces at the end would have caused them all to…well, maybe it’s good that movie was never finished.

Tár. 10/7. To a certain brand of moviegoer, the return of director Todd Field is like…is like……is like………

The Return of Tanya Tucker – Featuring Brandi Carlile. 10/21. ………the return of Tanya Tucker for a certain brand of music listener. (Doesn’t the inclusion of Brandi Carlile in the title sort of flout the whole spiritual point?)

The Banshees of Inisherin. 10/21. Listen—stop talking. I don’t need to hear the rest. The first half of the sentence was genius! ‘Brendan Gleeson and Colin Farrell drink pints and…’ And? What ‘and’? No ‘and’ necessary! Are you kidding me? I’m sold. Sold!

Descendent. 10/21. Margaret Brown’s “The Great Invisible” was one of the great documentaries of the last decade and I am stoked for her first feature documentary since. 

Ticket to Paradise. 10/21. I have yammered to the frustration of so many for years about wanting a full-fledged Julia Roberts/George Clooney romantic comedy and, finally, bless us every one, it is here. If our Fall Movie Preview By Necessity was a non-existent issue of our non-existent magazine, Cinema Romantico Weekly, this, of course, would get the cover, with a photo of Julia & George and a cover line that goes “Ticket to Paradise: We’ve waited so long.” (When I go with My, Beautiful Perspicacious Wife I might try out a variation of that bad joke on the poor cashier. “Two tickets to ‘Ticket to Paradise.’ [Beat.] We’ve waited so long.”)  

Armageddon Time. 10/28. This reminds me not of James Gray’s upcoming film – MUST SEE – but that in one of those Twitter prompts the otherwise esteemed Charlie Piece, who’s Esquire blog I happily pay for but whose movie opinions tend toward the highly suspect, said one of the five films he’d seen more than ten times was “Armageddon.” “Armageddon!!!!!!!!” Talk about self-own slash ruling all your movie opinions ever out of order. 

Causeway. 11/4. I don’t know, Jennifer Lawrence’s coming home drama “Causeway” might be good. But maybe just stay home and rent “Return.” 

Weird: the Al Yankovic Story. 11/4. There’s a legion of “Walk Hard: the Dewey Cox Story” acolytes who tell you that Judd Apatow spoof destroyed the music biopic forever. But that take is tired. Wired: “Weird: the Al Yankovic Story” rejuvenating the music biopic. (“I Wanna Dance With Somebody” also comes out this Christmas. Dammit.) 

Falling for Christmas. 11/10. Lindsay Lohan stars as “A young, newly engaged heiress has a skiing accident in the days before Christmas. After she is diagnosed with amnesia, she finds herself in the care of the handsome cabin owner and his daughter.” This sounds oddly similar to the plot of Hallmark’s “A Christmas to Remember” (2016) starring Oscar-winner Mira Sorvino who has not received any really good roles since getting an invitation to the 2018 Academy Awards with legend Ashley Judd in the wake of the Harvey Weinstein scandal as if that was all just public relations. 

The Fablemans. 11/11. Entertainment Tonight (ET) is already projecting it as Best Picture winner. 

“White Noise.” 11/25. I would not have predicted Noah Baumbach as the director to tackle Don DeLillo’s extolled 1985 novel because it’s one of the books frequently deemed unfilmable and Baumbach, as much as I love him, is not the most visually inventive director out there. But the book’s tone...that feels like Baumbach to a tee. I’m excited to see it! Cougars!

“Avatar: The Way of Water.” 12/16. I know it’s the most successful movie of all time but at this point, thirteen years after the first one, I can’t help but think that James Cameron is essentially just filming his ship in a bottle hobby for the big screen. And though I probably won’t see it, I find that kind of endearing. 

Babylon. 12/25. If “The Artist” had turned its camera back around and suddenly realized you were on the set of “Blow.” Perfect for a festive holiday season.