Actors as Starbucks Baristas

Yesterday I was listening to Bill Simmons’ B.S. Report podcast and his guest was the incomparably fantastic Michelle Beadle, the sports anchor who says what she wants and means what she says, and at one point their entertainingly rambling conversation touched upon the experience of going to Los Angeles Lakers games where there are so many celebrities and you become so distracted by spotting celebrities that you start to think EVERYONE is a celebrity and you assume that’s Meryl Streep a few seats over when it turns out to merely be your local Starbucks barista.

And that, as it had to, got me to thinking. It got me to thinking about actors as Starbucks baristas. What kind of Starbucks barista might they be in accordance with the Pike Place Market Type Theory?

Michael Shannon. The Irritated Barista. “What the hell is a half double decaffeinated half-caf cappuccino? Nope. Sorry. You’re gettin’ coffee, pal. Black. And if you try and put cream in that coffee, so help me God, I’ll take this Sweet ‘n Low and stuff it right up your nose.”

John Michael Higgins. The Way-Too-Personable Barista. We all know this barista. He's the barista who when you say "Can I get a venti Pike?" says "I don't know - can you?" and doesn't mean it snidely but jokingly. Like, hey, you just came in to get a cup of coffee and we're, like, already best friends!!!

Jared Leto. The Axeman Barista. He works mornings to fund his dalliances as lead guitarist for a blues influenced 70's-style rock band called Yellowknife that plays Friday nights at Evy's Lounge.

Nicole Kidman. The Overcaffeinated Barista. This isn't exactly typecasting, I know, and that's precisely the point. I’m just desperate – DESPERATE – to see what Nicole could do with this part.

Daniel Day-Lewis. Cody, The Shift Manager. He's Cody. He's the shift manager. He lives in an apartment in Silverlake. He's taking night classes in environmental policy at community college. He wears trucker hats. He goes camping on his days off. He likes hamachi and Indica IPA. He's dating Katie. She has a dog named Rufus. Sometimes he takes the dog for walks.

Parker Posey. The Disinterested Barista. Scrolling her iPhone. Judging your latte order. Audibly sighing when you ask if you can make a slight amendment to that latte. My favorite barista. Sigh.