' ' Cinema Romantico: Countdown to the Oscars: The Art Of The Oscar Acceptance Speech

Monday, March 01, 2010

Countdown to the Oscars: The Art Of The Oscar Acceptance Speech

Okay, Jeff Bridges, listen up. You too, Cristoph Waltz. Hey, Monique, are you paying attention? You better be. And Sandra Bullock, take the Ipod earbuds out and heed my words. (We're excusing Meryl Streep from this little discussion since she has already won 17 Oscars, including 4 Lifetime Achievement Awards.) Should you ascend this stage this Sunday evening at the Academy Awards after your name is called there is one thing you should absolutely know in advance regarding your acceptance speech....

You can't win. Do you understand that? Be prepared to accept this fact and you will be all right.

Did you write a speech ahead of time in order to ensure you thank everyone you want to thank and do not babble endlessly trying to remember what you have forgotten? Then you obviously have an ego the size of Kobe Bryant's since it's clear you expected to win and you will be mocked.

Did you not a write a speech ahead of time at risk of making it appear you have an ego the size of Kobe Bryant's only to then babble endlessly trying to remember all the thank yous you have forgotten? Then you are an idiot for not preparing a speech and babbling endlessly and you will be mocked.

If you cry you are clearly a shameful aggrandizer and you will be mocked.

If you are too keyed up or out of breath then you're too damn earnest and you will be mocked.

If you thank your agent (despite the fact all anyone ever tells you is that you need an agent to "make it" in Hollywood) you will be mocked.

If you thank God then you are insulting atheists everywhere and you will be mocked.

If you do not thank God then you are insulting Christians everywhere and you will be mocked.

If you talk so long the orchestra plays you off then you are a self-indulgent windbag and you will be mocked.

If you send an American Indian Activist up to the podium to receive the Oscar for you then you are cleary a nutjob and you will be mocked.

If you simply say "thank you" and leave the stage people will instantly deride you for "copying Joe Pesci" and you will be mocked.

If you don't show up at the ceremony at all in fear of winning and being mocked for your acceptance speech then you have insulted this most prestigous of awards ceremonies and you will be mocked.

So, to repeat, you cannot win. No one will like what you have to say. So you know what? Say whatever the hell you want and f--- 'em all. Congratulations...in advance.

Postscript: The Academy, in its usual infinite wisdom, recently announced all winners at this year's ceremony will have only 45 seconds for their acceptance speech. At the 45 second mark the orchestra will begin to play. If the winner still refuses to leave the stage at that point then a sniper positioned in the balcony will fire a warning shot. If the winner still refuses to leave the stage then the sniper will be given the green light to take the winner out. So beware, potential victors. After all, the telecast's producer, Bill Mechanic, has emphatically stated the acceptance speeches are "the single most hated thing on the show." Of course, as we all know, the single most loved thing on the show is the traditional hip hop dance routine. So thank God we still get to see that! Phew! I know the sole reason I tune into a MOVIE awards show is for hip hop dance routines! (In the words of David Letterman: There is no off on the genius switch.)

4 comments:

Castor said...

45 seconds?? I guess I can't complain. It does get tiring to listen to some meaningless speeches after a while.

Nicholas Prigge said...

Maybe it's just me but I love the acceptance speeches. They're my favorite part. I guess I just think the ceremony should be about the actors and directors and writers (etc.) themselves rather than this annoying need to turn the whole thing into some sort of overproduced television spectacle. We can't give the winners two minutes to talk and cut this hip hop dance crap? Really?

Let me just say how glad I am Kate Winslet finally won last year because if they cut HER off after 45 seconds my fit of rage would have been unparalleled in human history. Kate Winslet trumps Bill Mechanic. Every time. Blogosphere....quote me on that.

DEZMOND said...

yep, I think most people actually wait to hear all those acceptance speeches, it better listening to that than too hosts singing and dancing or watching all those long and often boring movie clips in the intervals.

Rory Larry said...

what if you decline being nominated and refuse to accept the award because you aren't in competition with other actors?

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,904789,00.html