5 Hypothetical Oscar Sore Losers

On Monday night I watched a little bit of “Liz & Dick”, the heavily trashed Lifetime opus starring Lindsay Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor (which is akin to, say, John Stamos playing Montgomery Clift) and Grant Bowler as Richard Burton. One of the scenes I caught involved the 1966 Academy Awards in which Richard Burton, nominated for Best Actor for “The Spy Who Came In From The Cold”, was defeated by Lee Marvin for “Cat Ballou.” Moments after this, the camera finds Burton alone in a hallway in the auditorium, drinking and smoking, and Liz finding him to offer consolation and him incredulous that he could lose to……to……Lee Marvin. He! Richard Burton!!!

I confess, I adored this scene, if only because I would like to imagine that is how all Hollywood stars and starlets react to Oscar defeats. This, as it must, got me to thinking. What might five other scenes of actors/actresses post Oscar defeat look like in a bad made-for-cable movie?

Peter Fonda. In 1997 Fonda’s critically-lauded turn in “Ulee’s Gold” ceded to Jack Nicholson’s third victory for his work in “As Good As It Gets.” Imagine Fonda seething backstage. “I made that rat bastard! I wrote ‘Easy Rider’! I gave him a part! I didn't have to give him a part!" Punches wall. "I played a beekeeper! A BEEKEEPER!!! Do you have any idea how HARD that is?! He just plays ANOTHER cranky SOB and wins AGAIN! This is all bulls---! I don't need this!” Storms off.

Peter O’Toole. The legend has never won an Oscar and in 1972 he lost to Marlon Brando. Granted, this was Brando in “The Godfather” and O’Toole stood no chance but this was ALSO the ceremony at which Brando sent the infamous Sacheen Littlefeather in his stead to decline the award. Envision O’Toole, after losing for the FIFTH time, watching Littlefeather from his seat, restrained by his date from charging the stage.

Lauren Bacall. Picture this: an apple-faced usher standing in a hallway outside the auditorium at the 1997 Academy Award ceremony. He hears something to his left and turns that way. He sees Juliette Binoche, hair frazzled, eyes wide, high heels in one hand, Oscar statue in the other, walking/running and occasionally glancing over her shoulder. She hurries past the usher and to his right and disappears around the corner. Then the usher hears something ELSE to his left and turns that way. He sees Lauren Bacall, avenging angel, eyes stone cold, marching like the dude with the fish hook in "I Still Know What You Did Last Summer", mumbling to herself. She stomps past the usher and to this right and disappears around the corner.

Bette Davis. Losing out on a third Oscar for her smashing brilliance in “All About Eve” to Judy Holliday for “Born Yesterday”, it is conceivable to suspect this was at least in part to Anne Baxter being nominated in the same category for “All About Eve” splitting votes. Can't you just imagine Bette Davis stalking after Anne Baxter at the after party and throwing a drink in her face? In fact, are we sure this didn't actually happen?

Samuel L. Jackson. In this poll the L.A. Times declared Samuel L. Jackson to be the sorest Oscar loser of the past 17 years when he was bested for his work in "Pulp Fiction" by Martin Landau in "Ed Wood." What they fail to realize is that it could have been - to quote Samuel L. Jackson in "Jurassic Park" - "a lot worse." He could have bum rushed the stage, pulled a glock and taken the whole auditorium hostage. Immediately, host David Letterman attempts to intervene. Jackson shouts: "Motherf---er, I'm in charge! And I want my motherf---in' statue. GIVE ME my motherf---in' statue!"