' ' Cinema Romantico: Over-Analyzing The Machete Kills Trailer

Wednesday, June 05, 2013

Over-Analyzing The Machete Kills Trailer

A new "Machete Kills" trailer dropped last week that showed the President of the United States (played by.....eh......don't ask) summoning Machete (Danny Trejo) to do his bidding, Sofia Vergara bearing guns on her bra, Michelle Rodriguez in an eyepatch, and so forth. But, of course, that's not what Cinema Romantico was most interested in.

No, what Cinema Romantico was most interested in was the presence of Lady Gaga .

Would we see her? Would we hear her? What would she up to? Who is she?!

Alas, the trailer allows only the briefest glimpse of Her Gaganess, but never fear! Cinema Romantico is here to break down that glimpse from every angle!


She is seen at the :30 second mark of the trailer, her back to the camera, along the side of a highway, flagging down a semi. (There is a quick flash following this of her face up close, but that doesn't reveal much.) The blonde wig, thigh-high black stockings and derriere-enhancing get-up are accentuated by the wolf carcass you might remember her being draped in on the character teaser poster.

Except in the trailer the wolf carcass is not quite as polite as on the poster - rather, the bloodstains are quite visible. So...did Lady Gaga just kill that wolf? Does she roam the countryside killing wolves? Is that her 'job'? Is there a mysterious wolf plague that Lady Gaga has inevitably been called upon to terminate (that would make sense)? Has the blood been there for quite some time and she purposely chose not to clean it off to enhance her 'aura'? Does that violate a health code? Does the wolf carcass come emblazoned with blood in the manner of pre-ripped jeans? Is it actually a backpack she purchased at Urban Outfitters?

Oh, and hey! Who's in the semi truck? Is she an assassin and its driver is her target? Did she swear a blood oath to off the driver? Is she employed by the trucking company to test drivers to see if they pick up hitchhikers? Is she constantly reprimanded for wearing a wolf carcass to the office? Is it just any old lug and she needs a ride? Why does she need a ride? Where is she going? Is she a torch singer roaming the southwest United States for gigs? Is she a female Jason Bourne who woke up in the wig with the wolf carcass? Is she from the future? In the future do dead animals draped across your body signify your class?

Did Robert Rodriguez not even PLAN to have her in the film and she just showed up on set one day dressed like that so Rodriguez said "Yo, Gaga, what's with the dead wolf?" and she said "I had three wolves but this one was my favorite" and he said "Cool - wanna be in my movie?"

I decided to skedaddle over to IMDB to inspect the cast list to theorize just who might at the wheel of the semi and, lo and behold, another discovery was made that took me off in a whole other direction. The trailer gives away the fact that Cuba Gooding Jr. (who, per Hollywood lore, had his Oscar rescinded post-"Boat Trip") appears in the film, but...... IMDB advises his character's name is "El Camaleon". Lady Gaga's character's name, as you may already know, is "La Chameleón".

So, are Gaga & Gooding a team? Are they the McCabe & Mrs. Miller of "Machete Kills"? Are they the Captain & Tenille of "Machete Kills"? Camaleon & Chamele√≥n? Are they going to sing an electroclash version of "Leather and Lace"?

Can you believe I've written this much about a half-second clip?

One thing's for certain, I'm going to plunk down hard-earned money to see this at the theater and then find out she's only in it for 90 seconds.

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