Angelina to the Rescue

After Sunday Night's Academy Awards, Angelina Jolie and husband (Brad Pitt?) made the rounds at various Hollywood after parties. At roughly 1:00 AM (PST) Jolie was squired to a limousine which carried her to a private airfield for an awaiting learjet that promptly flew her to Cape Canaveral for a secret shuttle launch that occurred, per sources, at 2:30 AM (EST) on Tuesday morning.

Publicly NASA maintained that space rock 2014 DX110, an asteroid 60 to 140 feet in size, would safely pass Earth within the moon's orbit, posing our planet no threat. Privately NASA held substantial beliefs that space 2014 DX110 could enter Earth's atmosphere above Washington D.C., posing significant threat.

Jolie's mission was simple: intercept space rock 2014 DX100, exit shuttle in specially crafted space suit with giant-ass space glove and bash space rock 2014 DX100 like a volleyball back from whence it came.

The mission was a success. Jolie returned to Earth on Wednesday night, made school lunch for all her kids, tucked them in, and then went out with husband (Brad Pitt?) to sing "Waiting For Tonight" karaoke.

"You're welcome, world."