' ' Cinema Romantico: 5 More Roles In Which Liam Neeson Could Find People

Thursday, September 18, 2014

5 More Roles In Which Liam Neeson Could Find People

Well, it happened again. I'm watching the "Walk Among the Tombstones" trailer and, sure enough, Liam Neeson, the primary bad guy-finder at the multiplex anymore, is tasked with finding someone - a kidnapped wife of a drug dealer, in this case. Now, I understand that "Walk Among the Tombstones" is based on a novel (by Lawrence Frank) and so I know its case of an ornery dude finding someone existed well before Mr. Neeson turned into the cinema's pre-eminent people finder but nevertheless, I could not help but be stricken in its aftermath by thoughts of an assembly line of roles in which Mr. Neeson's character is structured entirely around finding people. You know what happened next.


5 More Roles In Which Liam Neeson Could Find People

1. As Doug Bartles, an insurance adjustor, on a Royal Caribbean Cruise, Neeson, spending the entire film in a five-dollar Hawaiian shirt, discovers some mysterious fellow passenger is passing himself off as Doug Bartles solely to get every meal on Doug Bartles' Royal Caribbean Cruise meal plan only minutes before Doug Bartles sits down to eat. Stalking the cruise ship, still in his Hawaiian shirt, from the Captain's quarters to the gaming tables, he tries to track down this charlatan. "Those are my meals," Doug Bartles growls. "So help me God, if you take the next, I will have my vengeance, on this ship or in port."

2. As Reynolds Mackey, chief security officer of KFC's so-called Secret Recipe, Neeson is called upon when the Secret Recipe Original Recipe Card is stolen by a meglomaniacal mastermind who plans to sell it to the minions of Putin for an exorbitant price. "The 'secret' isn't merely some ill-advised marketing campaign. This is a matter of national security. I will find the recipe."

3. In the second sequel to "Caddyshack", Neeson plays Angus Spackler, a distant Scottish cousin to Bill Murray's Carl, who is head groundskeeper at the old course at St. Andrews in Fife, Scotland. With a ravenous grey squirrel - less Bushwood Country Club gopher than Beast of GĂ©vaudan - tearing up the links, Angus pledges to the gods of golf course maintenance that he will exact revenge. "The last breath this squirrel draws will be when he's face to face with me, about to have his innards extracted with my ditch blade."

4. In a nod to "Seinfeld", Neeson stars as Fred Boynton, a seemingly mild-mannered accountant from Pawtucket who purchases a radar detector off Craigslist from a mysterious seller. When the radar detector naturally goes belly up in its inaugural run and Fred is handed an impressively expensive ticket, he sends an irritable email to this faceless Craigslist rogue. "I will find you. And when I do, I will kill you. Or, at the very least, force you by very uncharitable means to compensate me for the sum of my traffic ticket."

5. As Harry Fitzgerald, single father to a teenage girl, Lisa, he discovers that his precious baby girl is being harassed by an ex-boyfriend. He tee-pees the house. He puts a cherry bomb in the mailbox. He lets the air out of Harry's tires. When Harry fields a phone call from Johnny, he lets him know the score of the game. "I know who you are. And I will find you." "Well sure," says Johnny. "You've dropped your daughter off at my house, dude." "Of course," growls Harry. "I'll be over in five minutes."

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