' Cinema Romantico: Don't See The New Star Wars: Force Awakens Trailer Here!!!

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Don't See The New Star Wars: Force Awakens Trailer Here!!!

Today was the first day of “Star Wars” Celebration, scheduled to run until Sunday at the Anaheim Convention Center. Cinema Romantico bought a ticket in hopes of seeing the debut of the first full length trailer for “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” and recording it on our iPhone to upload here to the teeming masses. I should have known better. I was forced to check my iPhone at the door and was then treated to a security patdown by guards armed with Chewbacca tee-shirt guns who absconded with my ankle Samsung Galaxy. So I had no choice but to document was I seeing with an old-fashioned pen and notebook. What follows is exactly as I wrote it down, no embellishments.....

The trailer begins not with the familiar notes of John Williams’ score but with something approaching……Gershwin. We fade in to Adam Driver and Daisy Ridley at what appears to be a Coruscant food co-op discussing the relevance of the Golden Age of Alderaan literature. The audience is a little restless. You can sense it. But it's okay. The music turns ominous. We cut to an X-wing just chilling in the hangar. Oscar Isaac is in the cockpit. A harried Greg Grunberg walks up and offers him a bag. “What's this for?” Isaac asks. “For being an honest X-wing pilot?”

The next shot is Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher standing in front of some sort of CGI-enhanced landscape. They're dressed like it's an episode of “Everybody Loves Raymond” and he's Ray and she's Deb. The crowd cheers. “Kids,” Ford says. “They're not doing anything you didn’t teach them to do,” Fisher replies. “We taught them to be rebels,” he growls. “And they are,” she says.

Spacescape. X-wings. Laser blasts. Then……wait, is that a Death Star? …… Nope. Sorry. It’s just a disco ball gleaming above some sort of ginormous dance floor on the forest moon of Endor. Suddenly, we see Billy Dee Williams, dressed like a resort owner on Zeltros, which he might be, at a turntable. “Welcome to Lando’s Landing! Home of the all night pants off dance off and combustible champagne!” Now it looks like that scene in “The Matrix Reloaded”, the one where everyone’s throbbing to the beat, a beat that's like Petra Marklund fronting the Cantina Band. People around me are starting to get skeptical. I’m, like, into it.

Now we’re on Jabba’s skiff. It’s just like that scene in “Return of the Jedi”. It IS that scene in “Return of the Jedi”! Except it’s old Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher and Mark Hamill and Billy Dee Williams scampering around and trying to avoid being seen by young Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher and Mark Hamill and Billy Dee Williams! It’s like that scene in “Back to the Future 2” where the characters from now wind up back in 1955! PEOPLE ARE LOSING THEIR MINDS! OR SCREAMING CURSE WORDS! I CAN’T TELL WHICH!

Title Card: “SEVEN DAYS EARLIER.”

Wait, Keira Knightley is on the screen now with an aquamarine lightsaber dressed like her version of Guinevere in “King Arthur”. Did they time travel back to “The Phantom Menace”? Was Natalie Portman HER decoy? Or is this the Marcan herbs kicking in? Did I not mention that? That beforehand I was out in Jabba's Tent in the Anaheim Convention Center Parking Lot where they were passing around hookah?

Now Disney representatives are going through the aisles and stealing money from people. I think. I might be imagining that too.

Send help.

1 comment:

Derek Armstrong said...

I want to see THAT movie.