' Cinema Romantico: All Female Top Gun

Thursday, July 02, 2015

All Female Top Gun

On the most recent episode of NPR’s “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me” their patented Not My Job quiz was administered to astronaut Sunita Williams, current record-holder of total cumulative spacewalk time. In her interview with host Peter Sagal, however, she revealed her roundabout way to becoming an astronaut involved early dreams of being Tom Cruise in “Top Gun.” At which point my ears emitted joyous steam and I paused the episode to write this entire article. Because what if “Top Gun” went “Ghostbusters” and became strictly female?

Well, Andy Benoit and his legion of feeble-minded men’s rights activists would no doubt take to Twitter to say things born of only the dimmest wit, of course, but I’m not concerned about those oblivious asshats. No, I’m concerned about who would be in this “Top Gun” movie? Who would be Maverick? Who would be Goose? Who would be Ice? Who would be Slider? Who would be Viper? Who would be Jester?

Jennifer Lawrence & Amy Adams (Maverick & Goose)

Who else could our lady Maverick be but JLaw? Or, make that Nitro, seeing as how it was Lawrence’s childhood nickname and “Nitro” would look so good on a fighter pilot helmet. She’ll play by her own rules. She won’t take guff from anybody. She’ll tick off those around her even as she endears everyone else. She’ll cruise around on a motorcycle in Chanel sunglasses to the sounds of Cut Copy. The image of Jennifer Lawrence saying it’s time to buzz the tower and then emitting that classic Lawrence cackle should be enough to scream “Jonathan, bring me my green light!” in any language. Meanwhile, the estimably effervescent Adams would counter our Naval free spirit with aplomb as her level-headed RIO.

Emily Blunt & Keira Knightley (Iceman & Slider)

Yes, yes, you got me. This is on account of my debilitating anglophilia as much as anything; my chance to see Blunt & Keira as a pair of cocky, too-cool-for-school Brits firing off dry witticisms who win the Top Gun Trophy. (And for whom I'm secretly rooting, a la Ice & Slider.) And so what? THIS IS MY MOVIE. NOT YOURS. Also, if you think it's weird to drop a pair of Englishwomen into America's Naval Fighter Weapons School...did you see “Spy”? Half of our country's defense system is apparently English.

Geena Davis & Susan Sarandon (Viper & Jester)

Davis: “Tell me, if you had to go into battle, would you want her with you?”
Sarandon: “I don't know. I just don’t know.”

Rooney Mara (Sundown)

I mean, why not?

2 comments:

Wretched Genius said...

So can Mary Elizabeth Winstead join the cast late in the film as Merlin?

Nick Prigge said...

An unequivocal yes.