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Q: Oscar nominations dropped this morning! What most brought you joy?
A: Definitely Noah Baumbach and Greta Gerwig getting a Best Original Screenplay nom for “Mistress America.”
Q: Uh, that actually didn’t happen.
A:
Q: Moving right along… They say the Academy Award nominations are a reflection of how the industry sees itself at present. So, per the eight Best Picture nominees, how does the Academy see itself this morning?
Q: Hey, they gave “Straight Outta Compton” a Best Original Screenplay nod!
A: That's kinda the Academy equivalent of Donald Trump saying “I have many, many black friends”.
Q: But I thought new membership was beginning to gradually diversify the Academy?
A: Maybe, maybe not. Who the hell knows why these people vote for anything? Maybe someone has a longtime feud with the second unit director on “Carol” and didn't vote for it. Maybe Tom Hardy gave someone his autograph and that person thought, Gee, I should really vote for him as Best Supporting Actor. Maybe all any of these nominations reflect are the selfish interests of a bunch of old dudes, like my own selfish interests, which include “Go ‘Mustang!’”, “Why Do Films With Brilliantly Mundane Costume Design Never Get Nominated?” and, of course, “Does Anyone In The Academy Actually Know Greta Gerwig Exists?”
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| A few members of the Academy. They declined to comment for this Q&A. |
A: You think George Miller is glad-handing, going to Academy-sponsored cocktail parties and making chit-chat about the foie gras?
Q: Point taken. At least George received a Best Director nod.
A: Unlike Todd Haynes for “Carol”, left by the wayside to make room for poor Lenny Abrahamson, who will not win the Oscar for “Room” but wins the Honorary Morten Tyldum “What The F*** Is This About?” Award, and for Tom McCarthy, who might win the Oscar for “Spotlight” but also earns the Honorary Tom Hooper Film Students Irrationally Hate You Award.
Q: After his Golden Globe win, is Alejandro G. Inarritu for “The Reverant” the one to beat?
A: If only so Film Twitter can have a collective meltdown. Please let Film Twitter have a collective meltdown.
Q: That would make him a back-to-back, two-time Oscar winner? Do you really think he's earned the “Two Time” prefix?
A: Oh, come on. What do two Oscars really mean in the grand scheme of things? I mean, look out the window, look at the parking lot, life is happening right out there, and we’re discussing the difference between one and two Oscars? It’s just an award. Two-one-three-fifteen, whatever, it’s all meaningless.
Q: If Kate Winslet wins for Best Supporting Actress, as she did at the Golden Globes for “Steve Jobs”, she would become a two-time Oscar winner.
A: OMG!!! OMG!!! O!!! M!!! G!!! THAT WOULD BE EVERYTHING!!! THAT WOULD CEMENT KATE THE GREAT AS THE GREATEST AS IF WE EVER NEEDED ANYMORE EVIDENCE THAT SHE WAS THE GREATEST PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PRETTY PLEASE LET HER BE A TWO-TIME OSCAR WINNER!!! OH, LET HER!!!
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| The Anti-Category Fraud Militants on the march. |
A: Eh, I see it as, hey, Rooney did good and so did Alicia, and if this was the best way to show them both a little love then, hey, what's wrong with that?!
Q: But that’s not how most see it?
A: That’s not how the Anti-Category Fraud militants see it. You didn’t hear it from me, but the Anti-Category Fraud Militants are planning on occupying the Dolby Theatre’s concession stand and demanding Rooney and Alicia be moved to the Best Actress category.
Q: Just think, if Kate did win, and Leo won Best Actor for “The Revenant”-
A: -and all those post-show shots of the four acting winners together would be rife with Kate and Leo-
Q: How would you handle it?
A: {Cries.}
Q: Seriously though, is Leonardo DiCaprio a lock for Best Actor?
A: I think so. Fassbender doesn’t have heat around his name. Cranston just has the best publicist. Damon was really good but didn't, like, transform. Redmayne just won last year and if Redmayne became a two-time Oscar winner-
Q: -I thought you said-
A: -and, of course, Leo ate all that bison liver and anyway, it’s his “turn”.
Q: His “turn”? Not his “time”?
A: He’s not old enough for it to be his “time”. But the Oscars came around, the music stopped, he’s sitting in front of the chair. It’s his “turn”. He’ll get it.
Q: Is it Sylvester Stallone’s “turn” for “Creed?”
A: No. And it’s not his “time” either. It’s more like “well hell, he’s basically doing that thing he’s been doing for forty years and he’s not really doing it any better than he ever did it at any other point but he’s doing it in a pretty darn good movie and we wouldn’t be quite so embarrassed to have this movie attached to Academy Award history as all those other movies so let’s just give this thing to him now and be done with it”.
Q: Do you think it will ever be Michael Shannon’s “time”?
A: I don’t think Michael Shannon holds enough sway in the industry for it to ever he his “time”. What I hope is that eventually he pulls a Christopher Walken In “The Deer Hunter” and makes it his time.
Q: Any chance of Mark Rylance, “Bridge of Spies”, overtaking Sly?
A: Maybe, if he plays the long game and lets Sly make a few faux pas out on the arduous awards trail, and the odds of that are at least 50/50. This is new territory for Sly.
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| Cate has entered the Meryl Zone. |
A: No, Cate Blanchett is now in the Meryl Zone, the place where you will constantly be nominated because you’ve already won, but they can’t let you win unless you’re totally off the hook.
Q: She wasn't off the hook?
A: She was the shit, but she wasn't off the hook.
Q: Is Jennifer Lawrence, nominated for “Joy”, making this her fourth nomination, in the Meryl Zone?
A: No, she's in the Jack Nicholson Zone. The Academy just wants her at the party. And frankly, I don't blame them. Once you get over your idealistic hang-ups and realize the Academy Awards are just a famous people soiree, as I did many years ago, you'll realize you always want Jennifer Lawrence at the party too.
Q: Is Brie Larson as the favorite for “Room”?
A: Definitely, even though I'm Team Saoirse. I mean, did you see how Brie played the Hollywood Foreign Press at The Globes? She's in tune with awards politicking. She knows how to get things done.
Q: Did you just drop a diva link in here?
A: I had to! We're almost out of space!
Q: Any other predictions before we sign off?
A: Just one. I predict that at the start of the Oscars ceremony Chris Rock makes a crack about Charlize Theron having dated El Chapo's biographer and then Charlize hijacks the entire ceremony, steers it off course and Cheryl Boone Isaacs spends the rest of the evening trying to re-claim the telecast.
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| Fuck 'em up, Furiosa. |
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