Legally Obligated Golden Globes Predictions

Tonight the Hollywood Foreign Press Association hosts Hollywood's official office party at The Beverly Hilton. People will win, people will lose, but one thing is for certain - that is, people who say the Golden Globes don't matter will get really, really, really mad at people who act like the Golden Globes matter, while people who act like the Golden Globes matter will get really, really, really mad when certain people win and certain people lose. The stars will simply be drunk, of course, because this is an office party. I'll be drunk too. I don't care who wins and who loses. Still, as a movie blog we are legally obligated to make predictions.

Legally Obligated Golden Globes Predictions

Best Picture, Drama: "Moonlight." If there is one thing the HFPA likes more than hobknobbing with celebrities, it is appearing to influence the Oscar race, and they know a "La La Land" v "Moonlight" showdown is coming and they want a gaggle of Monday Morning think pieces to center on the HFPA "establishing" the "Oscar narrative".

Best Picture, Comedy or Musical: "La La Land." See above.

Best Director: Mel Gibson, "Hacksaw Ridge." In victory, Gibson issues an apology. He never clarifies what the apology is for nor explicates to whom he is apologizing. When pressed backstage to explain the actual intention of his apology, he launches into an expletive filled tirade against the biases of the Lamestream Media™.

Best Actor, Drama: Casey Affleck, "Manchester by the Sea." After employing his victory in the Best Actor category at the New York Film Critics Circle Awards to read blurbs from old reviews citing Affleck's bad performances to get one over on those miserly film critics who clearly have it out for him, Affleck takes this Golden Globes opportunity to read from Amy Zimmerman's Daily Beast article discussing the sexual assault allegations against Affleck to which Affleck adds his own pithy asides. NBC cuts the feed.

Best Actress, Drama: Natalie Portman, "Jackie", who accepts the award and spends the whole evening completely in character as Jackie Kennedy. Afterwards, Daniel Day-Lewis telephones Portman to offer congratulations on her win. "Natalie?" says Jackie (Natalie). "Who's Natalie?" "Impressive," replies Day-Lewis. "Most impressive." Day-Lewis hangs up and begins plotting a film in which he stars as Sacha Baron Cohen and Portman stars as Isla Fisher.

Best Actor, Comedy or Musical: Usain Bolt, "Rio Press Conference." You're simply not supposed to get away with such theatrics. You're simply not supposed to literally dance your way into your Olympic press conference in advance of your attempting to win your seventh, eighth and ninth gold medals. This is the sort of histrionic hubris that has invited the wrath of karma of so many athletes before. Not Usain Bolt. Karma defers to Usain Bolt. He danced and he won every race. You can't stop him, you can't even contain him, you can only cede the stage and watch him samba.

Best Actress, Comedy or Musical. Everyone becomes so worn out with Jimmy Fallon's boyish enthusiasm and Diet Faygo Pop version of Trump putdowns that presenter Nicole Kidman finally decides to tell Fallon that she regrets ever wanting to date him, improvises and names Tina Fey the winner for "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot" so, to quote Kidman, "we can get some real hosting going on here." President-Elect Trump, while thumbing through security briefings with Kentucky Fried Chicken grease on them, tweets his disappointment. "Failing Golden Globes just got rid of amazing fallon for dopey fey! Ratings are tanking! Not watching!" 197 seconds later he tweets something to betray that he is watching.

Best Supporting Actor. Aaron Eckhart's Mustache in "Sully." The win incites controversy on two fronts. One, supporters of Tom Hanks's mustache in the same film demand to know why his facial hair did not receive a nomination. Two, anti-category fraud militants are irate, explaining that while Eckhart's performance was clearly supporting, his mustache was clearly leading, and how dare they.

Best Supporting Actress. Penelope Cruz's Hair, "Zoolander 2." This one goes without saying.

Best Screenplay. Kenneth Lonergan, "Manchester by the Sea." Lonergan is denied entrance by Golden Globes security when he is mistaken for a sandwich artist at the Subway on Santa Monica Blvd. Jennifer Lawrence, who is not scheduled to attend but is waiting at the Subway on Santa Monica Blvd eating a meatball sub in case she is needed, shows up to accept the award on Lonergan's behalf.