' Cinema Romantico: Conclusion of The Chris Wars

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Conclusion of The Chris Wars

“Something broadly analogous happens when we contemplate historical events. Once they occur, they impose on us (or seem to do so) a sense of their necessity.” This is what Christopher Clark wrote in his book “The Sleepwalkers” chronicling the myriad events in Europe that led to WWI. Clark labeled the men responsible for these events as Sleepwalkers because, in his estimation, they were “blind to the reality of the horror they were about to bring into the world.” I would not necessarily deem The Chris Wars – pop culture conflicts waged by pop culture critics on behalf of Messrs. Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth, Chris Pratt, and Chris Pine – as “horror” though I would undoubtedly go so far as to deem them as more than a little absurd. Because The Chris Wars imposed their sense of necessity only after the fact when, in fact, they were never necessary at all.

The Chris Wars were never necessary because while, to be fair, the All-Americanness of Chris Evans is more flavorful than mere vanilla…

And while Chris Pratt could maybe, possibly still be a Movie Star

And while Chris Hemsworth convincingly sold Michael Mann’s patented in-the-distance existentialism

And while Chris Pine has a solid modern day screwball hero thing going on…

Chris Eigeman, who long ago re-fashioned the White Anglo-Saxon Protestant as a kind of starchy, irascible rock star, had already been declared Best Chris™ years before these counterfeit Chris Wars emerged on account of bloggers combing for clicks. Wave the white flag, the lot of ya Chrises. You already lost.


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