' Cinema Romantico: Diane Lane Going to Pretty Places Movies

Thursday, June 08, 2017

Diane Lane Going to Pretty Places Movies


This past weekend my girlfriend and our mutual friend went and saw “Paris Can Wait.” I did not attend as I plan to watch “Paris Can Wait” the way it was meant to be seen – that is, in 15 minute increments on TNT, which is how I watched “Under the Tuscan Sun”, which I rather enjoyed, and which, like “Paris Can Wait”, starred the incomparable Diane Lane. My girlfriend and our mutual friend gave “Paris Can Wait” positive notices while readily acknowledging its flaws, because a movie like “Paris Can Wait”, where the gastronomical, scenic and sentimental supersede the aesthetic and psychological, is predominantly about consuming empty cinematic calories, and god bless it. My girlfriend, in fact, said she wished for more Diane Lane Goes to Pretty Places movies, and that, as it absolutely had to, got me to thinking. What other pretty places could Diane Lane go to at the movies? It could a series! It should be a series! Let’s pretend it’s a series!

Diane Lane Going to Pretty Places Movies

Diane Lane Goes to Madrid

We will begin with the obvious since Diane Lane going to Spain would be the ideal windup to an unofficial Diane Lane Goes to Europe trilogy. The art would move her, the food would ravish her, the architecture would inspire her, the siestas would revitalize her, and, of course, a Madrileño, probably Javier Bardem in a jaunty hat, would appear on a park bench in a plaza in the mist, with an old Spanish Mastiff at his side, to be at Diane Lane’s beck and call, just as he damn well should be.

Diane Lane Goes to Marrakech

Depressed and disconnected, her life rendered an inscrutable mess, Diane Lane literally and symbolically disappears into the maze of Marrakech, where its bustling wonder buoys her spirits as she finds herself swept along on the current of its community, most notably in the company of a dashing, studious street vendor who espouses the medicinal value of the sardines that Diane Lane consumes as if they are a fishy elixir. At movie’s end, the dashing, studious street vendor bids Diane Lane goodbye, letting go of her hand as she departs the maze, no longer lost.

Diane Lane Goes to Colombia

As a career-oriented event-planner burned out from planning so many extravagant events, Diane Lane flies to Colombia to meet up with an old friend only to end up on the wrong bus, not unlike Joan Wilder, bound for an Andes coffee camp, an event, you might say, she had not planned. Having willfully limited herself to chardonnay and hot water with lemon lo these many years, she finds herself re-energized through the aroma of coffee, and she finds catharsis in roasting and harvesting beans, a process she learns from a handsome local who knows a secret roasting process. Yearning to put on an extravagant event to showcase the handsome local’s secret roasting process, Diane Lane ultimately decides against it, opting for a life apart from events and free of plans, but full of coffee.

Diane Lane Goes to Prince Edward Island

Here Lane would play an Anne of Green Gables enthusiast with bad hair which nevertheless cannot obscure the fact that she is Diane Lane who goes up to Prince Edward Island to see the sites and, sure enough, meets an island native with extraordinarily windswept hair, though oddly no accent, who pokes fun at Diane Lane’s hair to put them at conventional odds before his requisite charms work their obligatory magic, making Diane Lane realize that the beauty of the maritime provinces go far beyond the make-believe.

Diane Lane Goes to Australia

Directed by Jane Campion in an odd break from the bizarre, Diane Lane Goes to Australia opts out of a male love interest as Lane’s in-crisis American travels from Adelaide to Melbourne to Sydney making a new friend at each stop, friends played, respectively, by Naomi Watts, Nicole Kidman and, of course, Kylie Minogue. Impartial critic Nick Prigge is heard to give said movie Five Stars, Two Thumbs Up, an A+, and twenty million gallons of rainbow heart syrup.

Diane Lane Goes to St. Kitts and Nevis

Because Diane Lane is “married to her career”, a friend schedules her a vacay to a singles only retreat on St. Kitts where, alas, the retreat organizers spend too much time trying to play matchmaker and forcing people to attend Compatibility Classes and Aphrodisiac Exercises. Diane Lane incites a revolt and leads rebelling singles who are fine, goddamit, being alone across the water from St. Kitts to Nevis where all the ladies gather together, tell the menfolk to f*** off and party ‘til they drop.

2 comments:

Unknown said...

I would buy a pass to the resulting film festival.

*jaime

Nick Prigge said...

Hmmmmmm. A Diane Lane Going to Pretty Places Movie film festival, you say?

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...