Pitches to Make Hollywood Great Again

Last week, Semafore reported that the President of the United States was urging one of his myriad billionaire bootlickers Larry Ellison to compel his Paramount CEO son David to revive “Rush Hour,” the Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker buddy cop franchise that seemingly died out in 2007 with “Rush Hour 3,” proving that even one of the best movie years of the new century was not above a cash grab cow pie. Less than 48 hours later, reports surfaced that, indeed, Paramount was planning to put “Rush Hour 4” into the production pipeline. It was a terrifying development. After all, the 47th President is not satisfied by merely being chief executive of the American government nor using the office of the Presidency to enrich himself and his family and various toadies, no, he wants to remake American culture in his image and in his style. It’s why the President razed the East Wing of the White House to build a bigly ballroom that will deliberately function as a blighted thumbprint in the Polaroid of Washington D.C. for eternity, assumed command of the Kennedy Center to transform our national cultural center into an extension of his uncultured ego, and now wants to infect Hollywood with various cinematic versions of the spray-painted gold accents he has affixed to the Oval Office. And though you might like to think other movie studio magnates would tell the President where to go if he came around making suggestions, the pathetic capitulation by so many non-movie industry moguls reminds us that most fat cats are, in fact, craven fraidy cats, and so soon, I imagine, His Imbecility will have access to Hollywood’s entire back catalogue, leaving one to wonder what other grotesque filmmaking ideas are wiggling around in the pudding where his brain should be. 

Pitches to Make Hollywood Great Again

Police Academy: Mission to Moscow. They have been blathering about the resuscitation of this franchise for years now but if the Big Fella gets involved, that talk, no doubt, will finally turn to some semblance of forcible action. And if it does, I expect we will see a remake of the last “Police Academy” movie remade as not-exactly-accidental pro-Russian propaganda co-starring Bill Burr who keeps saying of the parts of Russia he is allowed to see, “What a country!”

National Lampoon’s Scottish Vacation. The Griswold Family goes to T*ump Turnberry. 

Executive Decision 2. With Russia threatening to invade Finland, the President calls a surprise Rose Patio press conference at the White House to announce a sequel to “Executive Decision.” “You know they killed off the late, great Steven Seagal,” he says with the real, live Steven Seagal standing right next to him. “All my life people have been coming up to me and saying, ‘Sir, the movies haven’t been any good since they killed him off.’ But we’ll be bringing him back, we’ll be bringing him back.”  

King Ralph 2. Can’t you just picture His Imbecility forcing Charles and Camilla to watch this after some state dinner?

Cannonball III. “Sheer arrogance made this picture,” wrote Roger Ebert of the lamented “Cannonball II.” Who does that sound like? 

Tango & Cash, Best of the Best. I imagine that when the President says he wishes they made movies like they used to make them, a la Matt Dillon in “There’s Something About Mary,” these are the two movie titles he cites. 

Sister Act III. Helping a President get to heaven. “But we’ll have to get there without Whoopi. Whoopi was very, very mean to me.” 

Other People’s Money 2. Self-explanatory.

Cocktail/Bartender 2. There’s that infamous bit in Bret Easton Ellis’s book American Psycho where the titular character encounters Tom Cruise on an elevator and obliviously refers to the actor’s 1988 movie “Cocktail” as Bartender, not even seeming to register Cruise correcting him. And so, I imagine T*ump doing the same thing, essentially, and commissioning a sequel of “Cocktail” that will have to be released as “Bartender” because he thinks that’s what it’s called and keeps calling it that, no matter how many times he is corrected. If nothing else, this means we will finally get to see whether Tom Cruise, when called upon, will join the resistance.  

The Alamo. The historic San Antonio fortress of the Texas Revolution is reimagined as Washington D.C.’s Joe’s Seafood, Prime Steak & Stone Crab where a band of tourists from Real America must defend themselves against pet-eating immigrants marauding through the nation’s capital. 

Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!! In an overnight social media post, the President seems to call for a live action movie of the 1987 Nintendo game when he confuses it for “Rocky IV” while also confusing Soda Popinski for Ivan Drago.