Countdown to the Oscars: Totally Legitimate, Completely Ridiculous Oscar Predictions

As always, these are my no b.s., for realsies Oscar predictions. I pick with my heart (and sometimes with the satirical devil on my shoulder), and to paraphrase the wise sage Frankie Dunn, show me an Oscar prognosticator who’s all heart, and I’ll show you an Oscar prognosticator waiting for a beating. 

Totally Legitimate, Completely Ridiculous Oscar Predictions

Best Picture: “Her.” I want “American Hustle” to win, except I don’t want “American Hustle” to win AT ALL. Because I don’t want it to turn up on those asinine “10 Films That Shouldn’t Have Won Best Picture” lists a decade from now, which would just be so stupid I can’t even get into it for fear this entire predictions post will turn into an expletive ridden rant. So I'm taking $10 in quarters and putting it on "Her" at 100-1. Go get 'em, Spike.

Best Director: Martin Scorsese, “The Wolf of Wall Street.” And then he hurls Peter Dinklage into the audience.

...and then Marty dropped the mic and left the stage.

Best Actor: Bruce Dern, "Nebraska." Because how cool would it be to hear the thunderous applause sure to greet his name?

Best Actress: Amy Adams, “American Hustle.” If she wins, I’ll post a Vine of me doing The Hustle in my living room (*Fingers Crossed) and then douse the Twitter backlash with my leftover Lady Edith Greensly celebratory champagne.

Best Supporting Actor: Barkhad Abdi, “Captain Phillips.” To be followed by “The Five Oscar Winning Limo Drivers You Meet In The Hollywood Hills” by Mitch Albom.

Best Supporting Actress: Sally Hawkins, “Blue Jasmine.” I’ll go down with this ship if I want.

Cinema Romantico's last communication was heard at approximately 8:04 PM (CST).  It reported: "We are content with our prediction and will not take it back."

Best Original Screenplay: Nicole Holof………oh. Right. Forgot. Not nominated. I sit this one out in protest. #Principles

Best Adapted Screenplay: Richard Linklater, Julie Delpy, Ethan Hawke, “Before Midnight.” Listen to me, Academy, and listen to me good – if you could give “Lord of the Rings: Return of the King” twelve-zillion Oscars as “reward” for a multi-year achievement, then you can do the same goddamn thing for Linklater, Delpy and Hawke. DO YOU HEAR ME?! I'M NOT PLAYING AROUND HERE! GIVE JESSE & CELINE AN OSCAR!!!!!!

Best Animated Feature: “Frozen.” For ultimately staying true to itself.

Best Foreign Language Film: “Broken Circle Breakdown.” Shine on, Alabama Monroe.

Best Documentary Feature: “20 Feet From Stardom.” “The Act Of Killing” is extraordinary, yes, but you can’t argue with the heart, dear reader. That’s an argument you can’t win. And my heart is squarely on the side of the also extraordinary women at the center of “20 Feet From Stardom.”

Best Documentary Short: "The Lady In Number 6: Music Saved My Life." It focuses on the world's oldest Holocaust survivor. So you know.....

Best Cinematography: Bruno Delbonnel for “Inside Llewyn Davis.” It’s not merely New York that Delbonnel’s washed-out camera makes ache with such melancholia – it’s Chicago too. I can’t seem to shake the shots of our Llewyn trudging through the snow beneath the roaring freeway overpass, not a hero on his way to the guitar shootout but a six-time loser in the midst of his long 104 minute fade out.

Best Costume Design: Michael Wilkinson for “American Hustle”. I have a dream. It’s this: Ben Stiller & Christine Taylor present this award dressed like Amy Adams & Bradley Cooper.

Best Film Editing: “Gravity.” “Gravity” is a lot of things. It is Sandra Bullock and it is visual effects and it is cinematography and it is a fairly insistent allegory but what “Gravity” is – what it really is above all and above all the other nominees – is editing.

Best Production Design: “Her.” It’s new and old and right now all at once.

Best Makeup & Hairstyling: “American Hustle.” Wait, what? This wasn’t nominated? I have a half a mind to smear the Academy’s headquarters in Jennifer Lawrence’s eyeliner. (“Lawrence's Eyeliner Resembles A D.C. Housewife Much More Than A Jersey Housewife” says a skeptical Slate article.) So let’s see……well, I’m not picking “Jackass: Bad Grandpa”, that’s for sure. I'll pick “Dallas Buyer’s Club”. Because its Makeup & Hairstyling budget was $250. No. Really. $250. But when it wins, I’ll be thinking of Bradley Cooper’s hair curlers.

Jennifer Lawrence just heard the news her film was not nominated for Best Makeup.  

Best Sound Editing: “All Is Lost.” Because the film is as much sound editing as anything. ("Is that REALLY the sound a rogue shipping container makes when tearing through a yacht?" wonders skeptical Slate article.)

Best Sound Mixing: “Inside Llewyn Davis”. This interview was conducted with Skip Lieysay, nominated in this category for both “Gravity” and “Inside Llewyn Davis.” Reading makes it clear why “Gravity” likely will and probably should win and yet……my heart (uh oh!!!!) returns to the aforementioned “Llewyn” scene beneath the freeway overpass in Chicago. The roar of traffic. The howling wind. The crunch of snow beneath Llewyn’s pitifully inadequate shoes. The way it was all mixed together moves me.

Best Visual Effects: “Gravity.” I hope that when this inevitably wins, Tim Webber, Chris Lawrence, David Shirk and Neil Corbould ascend the stage walking east to west, rather than west to east.

Best Original Score: A great many hate on the Golden Globes because it's just some possibly made up Press Association's excuse to chill with movie stars for a night but hey, they gave Best Original Score to Alex Ebert for "All Is Lost." Which was literally the Best Original Score I heard this year. (Listen to his incisive NPR interview. Oh, that alto flute! If there was a sub-Original Score category for Best Instrument In Original Score, Ebert's Alto Flute should win.) Oscar just nominated John Williams (the Meryl Streep of this category) for the three-thousandth time and snubbed Ebert. So I'll pick "Her." Because it's Arcade Fire. And don't you want to see what Arcade Fire wears to the Oscars?

Cheryl Boone Isaacs was heard to ask: "Uh, who are they with?"

Best Original Song: "Step Back In Time", Kylie Minogue for "The World's End." Oops! The Academy is telling me this song was not composed in a room labeled "Original" nor were the lyrics originally registered with the official tag "Original" nor was the song itself originally composed on Academy-approved recording equipment which officially makes it ineligible for Best Original Song but does it make it eligible for Best Non-Original Song Originally Recorded In A Non-Original Room With Original Lyrics (Not Labeled) Not Originally Intended For Its Film Origin But Used In An Officially Originally Manner (Labeled). This award will be presented at the Scientific & Technical Awards. (Side Note: I pick "Let It Go" from "Frozen." Because, like, duh.)

Best Live Action Short: "Just Before Losing Everything." We’ve covered this one. There is absolutely nothing - nothing - I will be rooting harder for than this on Oscar night.

Best Animated Short: "Get A Horse!" It's Mickey Mouse, man. You're telling me Disney isn't strong-arming people behind the scenes?