It was announced yesterday by Variety that Ronda Rousey, mixed martial arts superstar, perhaps the finest female athlete alive, heralded conqueror of Floyd Mayweather once Floyd Mayweather gets some metaphorical cojones and gets in the ring with her, will be featured in a remake of 1989’s cultish “Road House” by assuming the lead role made famous by Patrick Swayze. His Dalton was the coolest cooler, a bouncer with a PhD in philosophy from NYU who can also win a fight against anyone under any conditions even though his PhD has enlightened him to the fact that “no one ever wins a fight.” He is lured to a rat hole called the Double Deuce in a Missouri small town lorded over by a local gangster unforgettably named Brad Wesley (Ben Gazzara). Dalton cleans up the Double Deuce and he cleans up the town.
But rather than sitting back and allowing Hollywood to screw up the rest of this casting, which you know they will, Cinema Romantico has taken it upon itself to fill in the blanks.
Brad Wesley = Marion Cotillard
There are ten million reasons this needs to happen but, first and foremost, imagine the Cotillard-ization of this immortal Wesley line: “I see you’ve found my trophy room, Dalton. The only thing that’s missing is... your ass!”
Wade Garrett = Mary Steenburgen
Not for nothing was Queen Steen cast opposite Sam Elliot in the last and most recent season of “Justified”; she could toe-to-toe, eye-to-eye, laconic-line-reading for laconic-line-reading. She’d be a different Wade Garrett, granted, but no less effective, a delegating kind of cooler who could shut you down with her charismatic command. That, and her casting could transform into commentary on the aging woman’s plight in Hollywood. “Wilma Garrett’s the best.” “Wilma Garrett’s getting old.” “She’s still the best.”
Doc = Nathan Fillion
Nathan Fillion probably doesn’t belong in Jasper, Missouri but then neither did Kelly Lynch. And those Fillion stammers in response to awesome amounts of Rousey-ness will provide ample comicality.
Frank Tilghman = Lori Loughlin
This goes without saying.
Jimmy = Jason Statham
I considered opting for Gina Carano here, or perhaps Zoe Bell, but this goes back to Floyd Mayweather. Let’s put Rousey in the climactic one on one showdown with Statham so she can rip out his heart (literally, of course) while all those men's rights activists in the audience clutch theirs.
Ernie the Bartender = Carli Lloyd
If you’re Ronda Rousey, there are very few who can hold their own opposite you. And that means finding a serviceable bartender is nigh impossible. Unless, of course, the bartender you hire is Carli Lloyd. This also means the film can feature a sequence where Lloyd drop kicks a Jim Beam bottle sixty feet right into an obnoxious customer's stupid face.
Polar Bear Guy = Kaitlin Olson
Jeff Healey Band = Those Darlins