Pitch Meeting: The Mall Detective

On a March episode of the invaluable Pressbox podcast, co-hosts Bryan Curtis and David Shoemaker found themselves on a brief tangent about shoplifting and what they deemed store detectives even if they realized in the moment that they seemed to mean mall cops or mall security. Still, for one humorous moment, they imagined store detectives as an occupation and, reader, I was already one step ahead of them, imagining my latest ersatz movie production. “The Mall Detective” will be less “Paul Blart: Mall Cop,” more “The Kid Detective,” set during the peak of American malls in the early 90s, at the Southland Shopping Mall in Northfield, Ohio where we open with grizzled mall detective Gene Greim (Kevin Corrigan) interviewing Gadzooks clerk Rayanne (Olivia Rodrigo) about her possibly pilfering an Anthrax cassette from Musicland in his office which is not an office but a table in the food court when he is summoned to the Radio Shack. 

Radio Shack has been hit by a spate of recent thefts and store manager Doug (Burl Moseley), under pressure from the brass, needs Gene to get answers. Cody (Aaron Heffernan), the clerk coming undone in trying to meet impossible sales goals, becomes an obvious suspect, too obvious, declares Orange Julius manager Michelle (Jessica Williams), self-installing herself as his unlikely co-detective. She helps Gene navigate the various fiefdoms of the mall run by Barb (Abbi Jacobson), the big cheese of a vigilant band of mall walkers, the not-as-timid-as-she-seems manager of the B. Dalton Books, Chris (Hope Davis), and haughty Amber (Odessa D’Azion), in charge of the teen clique that congregates by the fountain in the atrium. All of them are left to their devices by property manager Gord (Alfred Molina), who seems most concerned about shepherding a deal for a new anchor store in the form of an electronics superstore that might just put a dent in Radio Shack sales. Meanwhile, Rayanne tells Gene that the Spencer Gifts run by Ted Klutts (Michael Shannon) that all the kids claim is a front for the occult has started peddling what seems like Radio Shack merchandise retrofit for nefarious purposes.