' ' Cinema Romantico: Summer's Coming

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Summer's Coming

Ah yes, my least favorite season is almost upon us. I can feel it coming. By "it", of course, I mean heat, heat, more heat, and movies for which things like "box office returns" and "opening weekend" are more important than things like "writing" and "acting" and "coherent storyline". Speaking both cinematically and weather-wise I wish it were the dead of winter but it's not and so instead we'll look ahead to the most anticipated movies of the coming summer.

Spiderman 3 – If I’d told you 10 years ago that a Spiderman movie in the future would feature actors from “Wings” and “That ‘70’s Show” as its villains, what would you have said?

Pirates of the Caribbean 3 – A lot of people are probably wary about this one after the smorgasbord of disaster that was the second one. I am not among them. This is because Johnny Depp will still be playing Captain Jack Sparrow and that’s like sending Derek Jeter up to the plate with a runner on 2nd in the bottom of the 9th. Even if he’s gone hitless in his last 10 games you know he’s still got the goods to get the job done.

Ocean’s 13 – Essentially, there’s only one actor who could even dream of upstaging the imposing trio of George Clooney, Brad Pitt & Julia Roberts. His name is Al Pacino. He’s in this movie. If I was the director of this one there would be a scene in which all four of them sit together in a room and literally read the phonebook. Then we’d see who was King of the Mountain.

The Bourne Ultimatum - Actually, I really want to see this one. If it's as good as the last one, I'll be ecstatic.

Live Free or Die Hard – Yes, that’s right. It’s yet another installment of Bruce Willis as everyone’s favorite in-the-wrong-place-at-the-wrong-time cop John McClane. After this one, I think the next sequel would have no choice but to give John McClane a brother. Jack McClane, perhaps? The question – what actor would play him? I say Kevin James (of "King of Queens"). It could be an uproarious comedy! Kevin James could make wisecracks and then Bruce Willis could give him snide looks. What's more humorous than a snide look from Bruce Willis?

Transformers - I am proud to say that I am perhaps the only male in America who has utterly no desire to see this movie. In fact, not only do I not plan on seeing it, I hope any movie I do see around the Fourth of July weekend isn't even in a theater next to a theater showing "Transformers".


Wretched Genius said...

In the latest Die Hard, McClane has a daughter. That's all you need for future sequels. She can follow in her father's footsteps. In fact, Bruce can die (hard) in a cameo appearance at the beginning of Die Hard 5, and the rest of the movies can be about the daughter seeking revenge.

Hollywood, I'll be expecting royalties for that idea.

Anonymous said...

I like that idea a lot. It should be called Die Hard 5: Old Habits Die Hard.

Anonymous said...

You wouldn't even need the Die Hard 5 part first. Just call it "Old Habits Die Hard." That's a great title.

Also, the opening scene could have Bruce Willis hanging out with Samuel L Jackson, Reginald Vel Johnson, Dennis Franz, and his new sidekick (if he lives through the movie), and then the building they're in explodes, setting up the daughter's need for revenge. Also, you get an unexpected death and explosion in the first five minutes. Box office gold.