' ' Cinema Romantico: Please Forget it, Bruce. It's Chinatown.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Please Forget it, Bruce. It's Chinatown.

Is it true that Hollywood has no good ideas anymore? Apparently. Because.......wait, are you sitting down? Do you have a stiff drink? Well, fix one and get a chair because what I'm about to say may put you over the edge.

The Hollywood Reporter has stated that Mischa Barton, Bruce Willis and Rumer Willis (yes, the daughter of Bruce) have been cast - actually cast! - in a remake of (gulp) "Chinatown" to be set inside a high school.

Oh, God. I feel faint. Nauseous. My limbs are losing all feeling. My brain's locking up.


Whose outrageously daft idea was this??? Huh??? Answer me! Someone! Take responsibility for your grotesque and unredeemable actions! Oh yes, please, take the greatest movie ever made - the only perfect movie ever made - meaning the only movie ever made in 100 years that contains not a single flaw - and SET IT IN A HIGH SCHOOL?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! DID SOME BRAINDEAD PRODUCER SEE "BRICK" ONE TOO MANY TIMES AND DECIDE TO MAKE THE EDSEL OF MOVIES?!

I'm sorry but this is sacrilege. Even if it's not a straight-up remake there are certain things you do not, under any circumstance, touch. No one in baseball wears Jackie Robinson's #42 and "Chinatown" should not (I repeat, SHOULD NOT) be remade and set in a high school starring Mischa-fucking-Barton! (I hope Faye Dunaway shows up on set and smacks Mischa Barton right across the face. Yes, I said it. It had to be said. Better yet, perhaps the director of this movie could fly over to Europe to visit with Roman Polanski regarding his secrets for making "Chinatown" to which Polanski could pull a switchblade and advise "Do you know what happens to nosy fellas?" And if you've seen the movie, well, then you know the rest.)

Fly your flags at half mast. Say a prayer in regards to all you hold dear when at the movies for this is a dark, dark day in the world of cinema. The day we will forever remember that Hollywood so ran out of ideas they literally had to steal the best idea they ever had.

Excuse me, I have to go vomit. Repeatedly.

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