' ' Cinema Romantico: It's Proclamation Time!

Monday, July 23, 2007

It's Proclamation Time!

Those closest to me know the humongous void that was created in my melodramatic life when Katie Holmes "decided" to take up with What's-His-Name? The lovely Ms. Holmes, you see, had long been my foremost Cinematic Crush. This can be proven by the fact that I have slogged through movies like "Teaching Mrs. Tingle" simply because of her presence in the cast. It can also be proven through a short story of mine from several years ago (one of the best things I've written, and one of the few things I've managed to get published) in which I literally stopped midway through the story and explained to my readers that I was renaming my main female character Katie Holmes because she was all I could envision while writing the character. It can't get more flattering than that.

It's important to note that my affection for Ms. Holmes could never be summed up simply by her looks, which were, of course, stunning. Her personality, or what appeared to be her personality (let's be honest here), seemed to jive with the way I look at life. She seemed down to earth and real. She seemed like someone with whom you could have a beer and decent conversation. To be succinct, she seemed cool.

And so when What's-His-Name? entered the picture I was deeply saddened, and yet not quite ready to officially proclaim Ms. Holmes as no longer being Cinema Romantico's official Cinematic Crush. I was fairly convinced the whole thing was sham. It couldn't be real. Could it? Was Katie brainwashed? (I still think she might've been.) I held out hope (however useless) that perhaps Katie would snap out of it, or members of her family would conduct a daring raid into the deepest reaches of What's-His-Name's? inner circle and take her back to where she so clearly belongs. As time passed I realized just how foolhardy such hopes were and yet I still refused to release all semblance of faith. But earlier this year I came to grasp the fact it was time to move on.

Katie's gone. She ain't comin' back. Her throne is vacated. And in deciding this, a new question, of course, emerged. Who would replace her?

It was a frightening time for the kingdom of Cinema Romantico as it went un-ruled, let me tell you. We had not been sans Cinematic Crush since before the dawn of the new century. But we were also not willing to rush judgement and just promote any old Hollywood starlet to the throne. There are dozens and dozens of attractive (some spectacularly so) actresses out there but sheer acctrativeness alone does not make you worthy of being Cinematic Crush. Many other factors are taken into consideration. Time had to be taken to think things through and make a rational judgement. We love to proclaim but proclamations are empty if not supported by the proper passion.

But, slowly and surely, a new contender made herself known and I am now ready to declare on this fine morning that I have a new and glorious Cinematic Crush who fits all the necessary criteria. Oh, how I excited I am for Cinema Romantico's ship of melodrama is no longer rudderless! Strike up the band. Put on your dancing shoes. The time is nigh. Are you ready?

My new Cinematic Crush is Sienna Miller.

I know everyone probably has questions so I'll begin my explanation by listing the four key points that may assist you in coming to some sort of understanding.

Ms. Miller is beyond fetching but I already knew that. I'd seen "Alfie". I'd seen "Layer Cake". But - as has been established - that single credential alone does not merit the throne. It all began earlier this year when in Pittsburgh to film her new movie and unhappy with her surroundings Ms. Miller referred to the so-called Steel City as "Shitsburgh". Naturally, this left many people unpleased with her.

Cinema Romantico was not among them.

So what if she doesn't care for Pittsburgh? Hey, I drove through Pittsburgh last year on my way home from the infamous Mohicanland Road Trip (I even stopped there for a cup of java) and I didn't like it, either. Granted, I was there for no more than an hour but sometimes that's all the time it takes. I mean, you can watch the Colorado Buffalo collegiate football team for 12 seconds and within that timeframe already deduce it's nothing but a squad consisting of miscreants and ne'er-do-wells. A vibe is given off and you just know. And this indicated Ms. Miller possessed a desire to tell it like it is and if you don't like it, well, too f---in' bad. That's how she feels. What did Lucinda Williams once sing? Ah yes, "I don't want nothin' if I have to fake it".

Second, Ms. Miller has stated on many occassions that she desires to be taken seriously as an actress. That sentiment is a great Hollywood cliche. All young and appealing actresses want to be "taken seriously". Think Jessica Biel. I know she's made that comment and yet, despite her apparent wanting to be taken seriously, she goes off and makes "Stealth" and the new Adam Sandler movie. But check out Sienna's resume. THAT'S a resume that backs up the wanting-to-be-taken-serious claim. I admittedly haven't seen all her films but that situation can (and will be) remedied.

Third, earlier this year Ms. Miller commented that the most meaningful relationship in her life is with wine. What more do I need to say here?

Fourth, and the one that essentially put her over the top, was this article in Esquire Magazine. Once I'd finished reading it I realized that I didn't simply kinda' dig that Sienna Miller. I realized I kinda' had it bad for that Sienna Miller. And so she is proudly my new (and improved) Cinematic Crush. And Cinema Romantico foresees a long and prosperous reign.

She smokes. She drinks. She cusses. She's opinionated. She pisses people off and, well, she doesn't really care. She wants to be an actress, not a movie star. She's quite stunning in what we'll term the Looks Department.

But most importantly, if the Scientologists ever came around to ask Sienna if she might want to consider switching allegiance, I don't think she'd merely tell them to bugger off. She'd put her cigarette out in their lap and throw her wine in their face.


Wretched Genius said...

Sorry, but I cannot get on board the Sienna Miller train. I've never been impressed with her, and I don't even find her all that attractive.

Personally, I'd have gone with Maggie Gyllenhaal as my Katie Holmes surrogate (and apparently Christopher Nolan feels the same way). Now that's a kid with a bright future in the business.

The Fab Miss B said...

She's kinda in the famous for being famous category, isn't she? I thought Factory Girl was universally panned. She does have that cute Twiggy look, but I have the feeling she doesn't have a lot of talent in the acting department. P.S Have you seen Ratatouille yet?

Anonymous said...

Ah, not so quick. A brief visit to rottentomatoes.com shows that while "Factory Girl" itself was panned, Miller's performance was not. In the words of Christy Lemire, "Sienna Miller remains an actress in search of a movie worthy of her talent."

(Hey, I'm here for my Cinematic Crush.)

I have not seen "Ratatouille". I tend to usually miss the animated movies, unless 1.) Kate Winslet is doing a voice and 2.) I can watch it in my own home.