Transformers

I have not seen "Transformers" and will not see "Transformers" considering it was directed by Cinema Romantico's Public Enemy Number 1 (i.e. Michael "Could We Get Some More Explosions?" Bay). My filmmaking/scotch-drinking colleague Daryl, as you may or may not know, was at one time a frequent comment-leaver on this blog in the guise of famed critic Joel Siegel. He and I hit on the idea of having him write a "Transformers" review for me as J.S. back when the movie was released in theaters. Tragically, however, the very day he penned the review, Mr. Siegel passed away. The post did not go ahead for obvious reasons. But now that a few months have gone by, and the DVD for "Transformers" is being released today (we encourage you NOT to buy it!), it seemed okay to finally let it see the light of day. After all, parody is often said to be a sincere form of a flattery. So here it is, the last Joel Siegel review........

I am rarely prone to hyperbole. I prefer simple expressions of delight or sorrow, pleasure or misery. Movies create emotional experiences that run the gambit. I've cried at movies, I've laughed at movies. I've lost faith in humanity and gained it back. My every nerve-ending has sizzled in fantastical, undulating waves. I've sorrowfully pried myself from my seat as the credits rolled. Throughout all this, though, I've tried to compose my thoughts rationally, not in easy-to-quote soundbites. After the movie I just watched, though, my pretensions are cast aside, and I can say distinctly: "Transformers" is the greatest movie that has ever been, or will ever be made!

When Michael Bay sets his mind to preparing a full-course meal of action, I always prepare myself by wearing my Thanksgiving pants and getting ready to stuff my face. Even I couldn't prepare for the overwhelming layers in the cinematic parfait unleashed on the unsuspecting audience. First off, the cast is mind-blowing. Josh Duhamel, whom I have long said will be the next Marlon Brando, was perfect! P-E-R-F-E-C-T, find out what that means to me, sir. Tyrese Gibson has been overlooked by the so-called film elite for far too long. This film will finally (thankfully) show that Tyrese Gibson is explosiv eand riveting! And you show me any other director in Hollywood (except for Michael Mann or Tim Burton, possibly) who could put Jon Voight, Anthony Anderson, and John Turturro in the same movie while maintaining absolute characterization, and I'll call you a liar. This is the best time I've ever had at the movies!

The film revolves around a very familiar storyline, in which robots from outer-space come to Earth as part of their centuries-long war. Once on Earth, they acquire the ability to "transform" into common Earthly machines. Rachael Taylor is captivating! The continuation of their inter-stellar war threatens the very existence of mankind. The action movie has finally been perfected!

To capture the real-life action and suspense this situation would create, Michael Bay employs cutting-edge special effects technology to perfect result. The special effects will blow you away! It would have been easy to fall out of the movie back into the theater, but I didn't once. I was in the movie, fighting along-side Optimus Prime, Bumblebee, and the like. With voice actors like Brian Cox and Peter Cullen, the Transformers came alive, right on the screen! It's "Armageddon" meets"Terminator 2!"

Shia LaBeouf is like a drink of cool water on a hot summer's day!

I don't want to give away any of the plot, but I expect you'll be satisfied with the dramatic conclusion. And (if God is good), there will be a "Transformers 2" coming to a theater near you in a very near summer. Michael Bay has done it again! Beginning July 3rd, you should have only one goal in life: to see "Transformers" on the biggest possible screen you can find. I, myself, can't wait to see it.

-J. Siegel