' ' Cinema Romantico: Summer's Right Around The Corner

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Summer's Right Around The Corner

Our least favorite time of the year for movies (and weather) is drawing ever so close and thus it’s time for the traditional peek ahead at what summertime’s cinematic course has to offer. We have decided to break it down into a quartet of categories, all named in honor of Michael Bay movie offerings since nothing says summer movies like Michael Bay!

First up is the “Bring the Brewskies” Category, featuring the summer movies I'm quite anxious to see - the name being derived from Mr. Bay’s one line of dialogue in his “Mystery Men” cameo: “Dude, can we, uh, bring the brewskies?” I hate Mr. Bay, as we all know, but I gotta’ admit, he nailed that line. Second is the “Pearl Harbor” category, featuring movies I know I don’t want to see and, yet, against my better judgement will probably see anyway only to find myself wondering why the hell I decided to see such a bunch of crap. Third is the “Transformers” Category, featuring movies I will not under any circumstances – even if drugged – go see. Fourth is "The Birds" category, featuring a movie that leaves me with nothing to say other then what the f---? Because really, what can you say to the "The Birds" remake Michael Bay is producing other than what the f---?

Let’s get started!

Bring the Brewskies:

“The Dark Knight”. Christopher Nolan’s new “Batman” film starring, of course, the late Heath Ledger as the Joker. I truly hope his last film is an awesome one.

“Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull”. Bad title aside, it's still, like, Indiana Jones, man.

“The Happening”. The new one from M. Night Shymalan. Call me crazy, but I want to see it.

"Wanted". "A young man finds out his long lost father is an assassin. And when his father is murdered, the son is recruited into his father's old organization and trained by a man named Sloan to follow in his dad's footsteps." Based on that you're probably wondering why such a noteworthy blog would want to see it. Here's your answer - James McAvoy is the young man, Angelina Jolie (a great actress when, you know, actually given a role) is the trainer and Morgan Freeman is Sloan. Count me in.

“Pineapple Express”. David Gordon Green directs Seth Rogen. This was briefly mentioned in my “Snow Angels” review and thus my friend Brad the Wretched Genius forwarded a preview of it to me. Must See.

Pearl Harbor:

“Get Smart”. Steve Carrell as a blundering secret agent with Anne Hathaway as his sidekick. I know I’ll regret this one. I just know it....

“Tropic Thunder”. Ben Stiller directed this "comedy about five actors who go on location and find themselves relying on their boot camp experiences when they get stuck in a real war-like situation." I'm hoping the Tom Cruise cameo is as good as the "Zoolander" Billy Zane cameo. ("When are you gonna' lay tropic thunder on us?") If not....

"The Incredible Hulk". Edward Norton takes the baton from Eric Bana to play the title role. I didn't like the Bana version and I've got a bad feeling about this new one but something tells me I'll be paying $10 to get it.


“You Don’t Mess With The Zohan”. The new Adam Sandler movie. I’d rather spend a few hours in the presence of my old high school Spanish teacher than see this one.

“Big Stan”. This is the directorial debut of (cross your heart, say your prayers) Rob Schneider. I would rather watch a double bill of "You Don't Mess With The Zohan" and "Click" with my old high school Spanish teacher than see this one.

“The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor”. I noticed Rachel Weisz will not be reprising her role as Brendan Fraser’s wife. Apparently, once she got her Oscar she kissed this franchise goodbye. Bravo, Ms. Weisz. Bravo.

“Meet Dave”. A synopsis: “Dave Ming Chang (Eddie Murphy), newly arrived in New York City, may be the ultimate fish out of water.” And I don’t know what else the synopsis said because I didn’t want to read any further.

“Space Chimps.” Didn’t even read the synopsis on this one. Didn’t have to. Pass.

“Sex in the City”. Hey, I liked the TV show. Honest, I did. (Ever see the one where Charlotte gets blitzed on “Staten Island iced teas”?) But really, a movie? Did they have to go there?

The Birds:

"Redbelt". The new film from David "I'm The Only Person Who Gave Alec Baldwin A Better Role Than Tina Fey" Mamet "is the story of Mike Terry (Chewitel Ejiofor), a Jiu-jitsu master who has avoided the prize fighting circuit, choosing to instead pursue an honorable life by operating a self defense studio with a samaurai's code." Strange enough for you? Well, the movie also stars Tim Allen.

What the f---?

1 comment:

Wretched Genius said...

I've seen the trailers for every one of these films, and you have done an appropriate job of categorizing these...with one exception. Tim Allen's presence in a David Mamet film may seem odd, but so does the presence of George Wendt (Edward). Redbelt looks like a damn good movie, and Allen seemed comfortable in the role of a shady agent (the entertainment business kind, not the government assassin kind).