' ' Cinema Romantico: Pitching "Die Hard 5: I'd Rather Not Die, Thank You"

Friday, February 26, 2010

Pitching "Die Hard 5: I'd Rather Not Die, Thank You"

You're sitting in the theater and munching your popcorn, slurping a soda should the mood strike you. The lights go down. The first preview comes up.

We see clips from past "Die Hard" movies, showing Bruce Willis as everyman action hero John McClane tangling with each of the franchise's respective villains, the Trailer Guy telling us all about his previous exploits - saving the Nakatomi Tower, saving Dulles Airport, saving New York City, securing victory in a one-on-one showdown with Maggie Q.

The Trailer Guy then says: "But when the entire world is threatened..." - and here we see standard quick clips of world landmarks blowing up, maybe, something like that - "...and John McClane cannot be found..." - now we see a few shots of Bruce Willis as John McClane being kidnapped and tied up to a chair in some dank, remote room where the film's chief villain taunts him - "...to whom can the world turn? Only one man. John McClane's brother. Jack McClane."

Cue close-up of Kevin James as Jack McClane saying, in that memorable, halting Kevin James-ian speech, "Ooooooh.....yeeeeeeeah.....I don't think so."

I mean, really, let's be honest, where else can you take the "Die Hard" franchise at this point? It's time for John McClane to have a brother and it's time for some high comedy. If Kevin James is playing Jack McClane then you can dial up the insanity as much as you want. In "Live Free Or Die Hard" all of America had to be saved so in "Die Hard 5: I'd Rather Not Die, Thank You" why not have Earth itself be in need of saving?

So Jack McClane wanted to be an astronaut but it never happened and now he gets the chance to redeem himself and/or live out his boyhood dream. Maybe the chief villain has commandeered a space shuttle that he will take into space and use to shoot some sort of laser to blow the planet up? So maybe Jack McClane has to hitch a ride aboard the shuttle (imagine Kevin James bumbling his way aboard the shuttle in those moments right before it takes off) and fend off this attack? I don't know. It doesn't matter. What matters is this: It's Kevin James In Space! Who wouldn't want to see it?! Maybe he never became an astronaut because he so easily succumbs to motion sickness. So not only could you have Kevin James In Space but you could have Barf In Space! This idea is just selling itself!

And then imagine Jack McClane and John McClane together at the controls of the space shuttle having to safely land it at Kennedy Space Center?! Think of all the annoyed frowns Bruce Willis could send Kevin James' way! Think of Bruce Willis chain smoking on descent while Kevin James freaks out! "No, I don't know how to drop the veolocity!"

This idea is so good I can't believe I'm not charging people to read this post! But I would never be that greedy! So take it, Bruce. Please. It's all yours. Free of charge.


Wretched Genius said...

Whoa whoa whoa, hold on there. The last Die Hard very clearly introduced us to John's super-hot,tough-talking, attitude-havin', making-flippant-remarks-to-the-villain-even-when-in-perilous-danger daughter, and it is she who is the natural next step in the franchise.

Nick Prigge said...

The daughter can be in "Die Hard 5: I'd Rather Not Die, Thank You" too. That's fine. But, gosh darn it, I cannot even describe how much I want to see Kevin James play John McClane's brother. Just close your eyes and envision Bruce Willis giving him a snide look. I would pay weekend evening price to see it!

Wretched Genius said...

Again, I believe you are missing my point. Here, I'll explain it in simpler terms:

This, but slightly dirtier and sweatier.

I win.

Castor said...

Looking at Miss Winstead was the best thing about Die Hard 4!