Globes vs. Oscars

The 68th Annual Golden Globes are set for this Sunday.  The Globes take a lotta flack for being nothing more than a bunch of starstruck (baby, could you blow my heart up) ass-kissers and, well, this is a fairly accurate assessment.  But are the self-important Academy Awards really all that better?  Pat Forde, venerable sportswriter, has invented what he calls The Likeability Index. I will now take his Likeability Index and apply it to the snarky Globes and the stuffy Oscars to see which one, really, truly, is the grand dame of this awards show season.

If only they'd let Anne Hathaway & James Franco drink.

If you get to imbibe adult beverages while the show is in progress add 10 points.

If you have to wait to imbibe adult beverages until after the show or in the green room deduct 5 points.

If your host is a retread of your host from last year who wasn't as funny as he theoretically should have been deduct 5 points.

If your hosts are ravishing (and really quite funny when she wants to be) Anne Hathaway and (Acting With) James Franco add 33 points. (Yes. 33 points. I love these two as co-hosts. Absolutely love it. I think it's an awesomely inspired idea.)

LIKEABILITY INDEX: Globes - 5 points. Oscars - 28 points.

If you have nominated "Burlesque", "The Tourist" and "Red" for Best Picture deduct 5 points for each.

If you have a separate category for Best Comedy/Musical but can't seem to fathom what a comedy/musical is deduct another 5 points.

If you have bestowed Best Picture to "Crash" deduct 5 points.

LIKEABILITY INDEX: Globes - Negative 5 points.  Oscars - 23 points.

If Kate Winslet and Bruce Springsteen were onstage within approximately 54 seconds of each other add 30 points.

If Lauren Bacall was kept offstage but Miley Cyrus was allowed onstage deduct 25 points.

LIKEABILITY INDEX: Globes - 25 points. Oscars - Negative 2 points.

If you choose to have TV nominations and fail to nominate "Parks and Recreation" and "Community" for Best Comedy deduct 15 points.

If neither of your punk shows have ever awarded anything to Michael Mann deduct 5 points.

If we all know you would nominate Johnny Depp for Best Actor even if it was for a remake of "Bobby Deerfield" deduct 12 points.

Deduct 10 points for bestowing Best Actress to Madonna for "Evita."

Add one point for each Kate Winslet nomination.

LIKEABILITY INDEX: Globes - Negative 10 points.  Oscars - Negative 1 point.

If we all know your governing body is made up (seriously, the Hollywood Foreign Press Association?) deduct 20 points.

If a blogger receives no responses from your governing body when attempting to get Kelly Macdonald a nomination deduct 10 points.

If Ryan Bingham failed to collect his award because he was at the bar add 10 points.

If Marlon Brando failed to collect his award and sent an aspiring actress posing as an indian activist to collect it for him add 20 points.

If Kate Winslet was awarded Best Actress and Best Supporting Actress and then gave rambling but entirely earnest speeches and then was ceaslessly criticized for being so "painfully earnest" by the exact same people who ceaselessly complain about how painfully fake the Golden Globes are, well, which one is it?  Huh?!  WHICH ONE?!  MAKE UP YOUR MIND!  PICK A SIDE AND GO WITH IT, WHY DON'T YOU?!  ........  Wait, where was I?  What was I talking about?  Who gets the points here?  How many times have I mentioned Kate Winslet in this post?  Seventy-three?   

Look, I'll be honest, if I could establish some sort of pretend entity (the North Center Press Association?) as a means to throw a boozy soiree simply so I could hob-knob with Kate Winslet, I would.  You're damn right, I would.  And you would, too.  Fess up.  But I would also hope the Academy would have enough sense to not watch and think, "Hey, those noisy drunkards must really know that they're doing.  I think I'll copy their every move."

So the HFPA can have its fun, I just hope the Academy isn't paying attention.  Unless, of course, "Black Swan" wins everything.  In which case I hope the Academy copies their every move.