' ' Cinema Romantico: 10 Reasons Why You Should Watch Ghosts Of Mars Instead Of John Carter

Saturday, March 10, 2012

10 Reasons Why You Should Watch Ghosts Of Mars Instead Of John Carter

The much hyped (for good or bad) "John Carter", the sci-fi epic about a Civil War soldier on Mars (please don't ask) opened this weekend to general scorn from critics. My esteemed colleague Andy Buckle, for example, suggests you substitute a screening of Andrew Stanton's 3D supposed extravaganza for sleeping pills. Yikes. Thus, as always, Cinema Romantico is here to help, and suggests you skip shelling out $34.50 for a ticket to "John Carter" and nestle up on your couch for a showing of "Ghosts of Mars" (2001) instead.

Don't misunderstand, I'm not claiming "Ghosts of Mars" is a good movie. Heavens, no! I'm suggesting "Ghosts of Mars" will be a far more entertaining option than the unnecessary bloat of "John Carter." In fact, here's 10 reasons why you should watch "Ghosts of Mars" this weekend instead of "John Carter."

1. "John Carter" stars Taylor Kitsch. "Ghosts of Mars" stars Natasha Henstridge.

2. The Natasha Henstridge I'm Not Going To Do Anything With My Face To Make It Appear Like A Conscious Acting Choice Face is far superior to the Taylor Kitsch I'm Going To Prove I'm Acting By Squinting Face.

3. Natasha Henstridge's sidekick is a convict named Desolation Williams. John Carter was the name of Noah Wyle on "ER."

4. Desolation Williams is played by Ice Cube, who, needless to say, is a crazy motherf---er from around the way. My extensive research has indicated there are no crazy motherf---ers from anywhere - let alone from around the way - in "John Carter."

5. "John Carter" cost $250 million. "Ghosts of Mars" cost $28 million, $23 million of which went to Natasha Henstridge's wardrobe and hair and makeup and the gloss to keep the machine guns shiny (which, of course, legitimatizes the expense).

6. It's not merely "Ghosts of Mars." It's "John Carpenter's Ghosts of Mars." Because of course it is.

7. John Carpenter waits until nearly the final frame to offer the obligatory shot of Ms. Henstridge in a tank top and her underwear. Like the old saying in Hollywood goes: don't give the audience what they want until the movie is almost over and they can't ask for their money back.

8. The Laugher. Explanation required, but to remain unprovided.

9. "Maybe I'll sleep with you if you're the last man on Earth. But we're not on Earth." If there's a line as good as that in "John Carter" then tell it to me. Tell it to me right now!

10. The last shot of "Ghosts of Mars" doubles as Ice Cube looking right into the camera. Because he's a crazy motherf---er from around the way. But I repeat myself.


Wretched Genius said...

11. John Carter is basically the most boring parts of Avatar, but on a red planet instead of a blue one. Ghost of Mars is basically Assault on Precinct 13, but IN MOTHERF***ING SPACE!!!!

Nick Prigge said...

Yup. That should have been #11. That's really all I can say.

Anonymous said...

$34.50 for a ticket, eh? Funny.

I like your second point. I think a lot of actors get stuck in this thinking mode of "I have to look like this in this scene," as if they're trying too hard to express an emotion instead of just feeling it. Nice point.

I didn't see it either, but I especially didn't care to see John Carter. I just couldn't figure what all the excitement was about.

Lol, Icecube.

Andrew K. said...

Hmm, I liked John Carter. Or should that be, I liked John Carter? (Is it surprising that I like it, I wonder...)

The excitement is of course stemming for Disney's attempts make money (and this is showbusiness so I can't blame them, per se) and I feel in a way its relative failure - or the projection - might be schadenfreude.

(I'm rather curious to see what you think of it, Nick.)

Nick Prigge said...

Kristin: I'm pretty sure that's how much 3D costs now. At least for a weekend evening show. And your line "I have to look like this in this scene" has actually inspired an idea for another post. I was about to comment on it in specific, but I think I'll save it. Thank you!

Andrew: I just don't have any desire to see John Carter. These days unless it's a blockbuster I really, really want to see, I don't make a point of it. And as this post goes to show, I don't think I'd be fair to it anyway.

Dan said...

Nice! I love Ghosts of Mars, even if it's sort of terrible. But it's fun, and that's so much better than a dull "epic" film.

Nick Prigge said...

It is fun, in that very terrible way. Sort of a sci-fi Road House (not that I would ever mean to imply Ghosts of Mars is in the same realm as Road House, because that would be ridiculous).