Wait A Second, Does "Stolen" Even Exist?

A week ago the Malin Akerman film "Stolen" (co-starring Nic Cage, who is actually the star, but not really) opened nationwide. Well, not actually nationwide. And hey, sometimes this happens. Chicago, as fine of a city as it is, does not get every single movie opening weekend. A lot of movies have limited releases that first week and then expand later. Typically these are more of your, shall we say, arthouse-friendly films, not your Nic Cage Crazy Eyes films, but, you know, there are exceptions.

Malin Akerman, star of "Stolen", which may or may not be a real movie.

So I figured "Stolen" would finally descend in all its non-glory this weekend. Sure, sure, everyone is all riled up about P.T. Anderson's new opus, and I'm riled up too, but I also hoped I could sneak in a showing of my official Cinematic Crush helping Nic pull "one last job" at some point. Except when I checked the movie times for this weekend in the Windy City, "Stolen" was still nowhere to be found.

Hmmmmmmmm.

Then I noticed it had a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes.

Double hmmmmmmmmm.

What was going on here? Was "Stolen" akin to "Innocence of the Muslims", nothing more than a trailer claiming to be a real movie......just, you know, without all the divisiveness. I decided to dig deeper. I checked the Village Voice. "Stolen" wasn't showing in New York either! How could it not be showing in New York?! New York gets EVERYTHING!!! Right now New York is showing Wes Anderson's next movie and he hasn't even made it yet! What was going on?!

I checked the Los Angeles movie times and discovered that "Stolen" was showing in but a single theater in Chino Hills. Never mind that Chino Hills totally sounds made up, this meant that "Stolen" was showing in ONE theater amongst the three most populated cities in the United States. I smelled a conspiracy. I even considered flying to Chino Hills to drive to this theater likely to discover that (gasp!) the one theater showing "Stolen" was suspiciously "out of order." But before I acted upon it I chose to check the movie times for the fourth most populated city in the United States......Houston. And you know what? "Stolen" was showing at 14 theaters. 14! The plot had thickened.

I checked the movie times for Philadelphia, the fifth most populated city in the United States. No "Stolen." I checked the movie times for Phoenix, the sixth most populated city in the United States. "Stolen" was showing in 9 theaters. It wasn't showing in San Antonio, the seventh most populated city, but it was showing in Dallas, the tenth most populated city. And it was showing in Fort Worth. And in Jacksonville, FL. And in Charlotte, NC. But it WAS NOT showing in Detroit. Or Indianapolis. Or Seattle. Is it possible that marketers decided "Stolen's" target audience was entirely BELOW the Mason Dixon Line? And does this merit deeper consideration?

Perhaps, perhaps not. All I know is for the first time in my life I actually regret leaving Phoenix.