' ' Cinema Romantico: 5 Directors For The New Star Wars Film

Thursday, November 15, 2012

5 Directors For The New Star Wars Film

By now the whole world knows Disney acquired Lucasfilm for a cool $4 billion and by now the whole world knows that upon acquiring Lucasfilm for a cool $4 billion Disney announced plans to put into production a brand new "Star Wars" live action film for 2015 and by now the whole world has weighed in with varying choices for just who should helm this film which will be judged like no film in history has ever been judged.

Nevertheless, Cinema Romantico still has something to say.

5 Directors To Helm The New "Star Wars" Film

Quentin Tarantino. Adios, Skywalker. Sayonara, Solo. Au revoir, Leia. Farvel, C-3PO and R2-D2. Hit the bricks, Chewie. This is Q.T.’s world and in Q.T’s world, after an opening sequence set to Gram Parsons’ “We’ll Sweep Out The Ashes In The Morning” in which all the aforementioned characters are revealed to have been killed off, the film focuses itself on the lifestyles of Lando Calrissian, owner of the most happening club on all of Corellia, and his showdown with the rogue son of Mace Windu, Marvelous Marvin Windu (Samuel L. Jackson), who yearns to have his hands in every club in the galaxy and whose unwilling mistress (Rhianna) is (gasp!!!) the daughter Lando never knew he had.

Sofia Coppola. The story of Han and Leia's daughter, Arylide, who pierces her tongue, drops out of the University of Coruscant and decides to snow-shoe across Hoth in an effort to find herself. (Sample Dialogue. Leia: "How did you end up so rebellious?" Arylide: "Are you f---ing kidding me?")

Werner Herzog. An eclectic documentary in which the ever-eccentric German narrates a bracing but romantic inside look of the hand-to-mouth and violent culture of the Tusken Raiders (i.e. Sand People) of Tatooine. (Assume Herzog-ian accent.) “Enduring existence in the harsh arid climate on the planet farthest from the center of the universe, the Tusken Raider is viewed by the civilized world as a mindless monster. But after spending several months in their presence I came to view these nomads as primitive but misunderstood, a product of an environment as unforgiving as outsiders are of them."

Paul Verhoeven. Ever brazen, Verhoeven paints the fall of the Empire as the motivation for a civil war even more widespread and bloody than the first. Mon Mothma is named Chief of State of the New Republic only to find herself in a power struggle with a faction co-commanded by Admiral Ackbar and General Madine who desire a stronger military state.

The Farrelly Brothers. A road trip comedy chronicling the wacky misadventures of Fodesinbeed Annodue, the two-headed announcer from "The Phantom Menace"!!!


Rory Larry said...

I want to see that Tusken Raider documentary more than anything, ever.

Wretched Genius said...

I want all of them. Now.

Amir said...

This is the best thing I've read on the whole Lucasfilm debacle.

I'd like to see all of these, but going back to reality, and I don't know if you're gonna like this opinion, I just think that I want a director I don't like to do this film so I don't have to force myself to watch it.

Nick Prigge said...

Rory: I'm sure if someone pitched to Werner in the right way...

Brad: As do I. If only. Sigh.

Amir: You're too kind, sir. Thank you! And I think, to speak of the reality, on the right track. I was reading today that Joe Johnston might be a very real possibility? That wouldn't necessarily make me rush out to see it.

Amir said...

Yes. Exactly the type of director I want. I'll never feel bad for skipping one of his films. Len Wiseman and Zack Snyder would be nice too.

Nick Prigge said...

Oooooooh. Except if it was Len Wiseman, Kate Beckinsale would be in it. And then I'd have to see it. I wouldn't be able to help myself.