' ' Cinema Romantico: 5 Movie Roles For Kylie Minogue

Saturday, January 19, 2013

5 Movie Roles For Kylie Minogue

Earlier this week news briefly broke that my dearly beloved Kylie Minogue, the Australian whose music can make even the crummiest day sparkle like New Year's Eve at Sydney Harbour, was retiring from recording music. It only took a few hours for that news to thankfully prove erroneous - Kylie eventually quashed the news herself - but, rest assured, for those few hours the daylight turned pitch black and every Kylie-ite around the world suffered a nervous breakdown.

It turned out that she was merely splitting with her longtime manager while also taking a hiatus from recording music to focus on acting. She was featured last year in the much lauded "Holy Motors" but she was also featured last year in the much reviled "Jack & Diane", a film which I suppose I should see on account of being a Kylie-ite. Then again, I still have not seen "Bio-Dome" (and have no immediate plans to do so). Thus, I thought it a fine time to offer Ms. Minogue a few suggestions on how to proceed in her burgeoning cinematic career, to avoid the "Swept Aways" of Madonna and the "Battleships" of Rhianna.

5 Movie Roles For Kylie Minogue

1. A remake of Roger Vadim's 1968 camp classic "Barbarella" as written and directed by Quentin Tarantino and starring Kylie as, well, obviously.

2. Kylie, playing herself, or perhaps playing a character like herself, perhaps named Ana-Maria, plays a show for some charitable cause in a remote town in the northern territory of Australia but is unable to get out before The Wet arrives, flooding the roads and leaving her no choice but to wait out the rains. Now, at this point the film can go one of two ways, both of which we will need to discuss with Kylie, her agent and her entourage. 1.) It becomes a wacky but endearing comedy (think: "The Dish") in which Kylie, or Ana-Maria, bonds with the locals and helps them re-evaluate their lives even as they help her re-evaluate her life. 2.) It becomes a modern day companion piece to the infamous "Wake in Fright" in which Kylie, or Ana-Maria, is enveloped and then terrorized by the locals.

3. "She's the Man" meets "Ben Hur"! Kylie disguises herself as a male to become the best chariot driver in all of Rome! When her identity is revealed just before the Big Race against the Emperor's favored chariot driver (Will Arnett) she goes out and beats him anyway and then leads of all Rome in the new-fangled Dionysus Dance Craze!!!

4. Kylie stars as Brianna Goodine, judge on a reality talent show called CROON. It transforms into a hard-hitting exposé of reality TV as Brianna suffers a mental breakdown and goes all Peter-Finch-In-"Network" on the season finale.

5. Disney decides to center its new "Star Wars" movie around the Cantina at Mos Eisley where Kylie plays a nightclub singer who has emigrated from Nar Shaddaa, the Smuggler's Moon. After an opening, action-packed prologue in which she escapes from Jabba's palace after being imprisoned as a Leia-ish dancer, she clashes with her manager (Gerard Depardieu), romances a smuggler (Paul Bettany) and is to illegal pod races in the desert what Joan Allen is to "Death Race."


Amir said...

I just can't get number 1 out of my head. I'm totally seeing Kylie floating around in the space costume. And I love Fonda in the original. I did a school paper on how much I loved her in that film, but a remake is due.

Amir said...

Correction: "a" remakes is not due. "your" remake is due.

Andrew K. said...

What is #3, Nick? What is #3? Now I'm just imagining that weird Roman fraternity fight from "Damsels in Distress", so yes. Approved.

Nick Prigge said...

Amir: Oh, how I love Barbarella. I remember the first time a friend of mine showed that to me, I was just entranced, just so happy a movie like it could exist. And Kylie would be PERFECT for a remake. I mean, she's gone on record as saying stylistically she takes cues from Barbarella! There's no one better!

Andrew: Ha! I confess I hadn't thought of that, but excellent point. In fact, maybe Kylie could be in a bigger budgeted Whit Stillman film. I'd love to hear her try out his dialogue.

Anthony Hopper said...

Interesting list.

Nick Prigge said...

Thank you, sir. We here at Cinema Romantico strive for lists off the beaten path.