' ' Cinema Romantico: 5 More Arnold Schwarzenegger Sequels (And 1 Prequel)

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

5 More Arnold Schwarzenegger Sequels (And 1 Prequel)

Is it any coincidence that not long after blockbuster moguls Steven Spielberg & George Lucas predicted, more or less, the forthcoming implosion of Hollywood that ex-California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger announced his intention to not only star in yet another sequel to his “Terminator” franchise and not only star in another sequel to his "Conan" franchise but also star in a sequel to his 1988 comedy “Twins” called……”Triplets”?

Granted, Spielberg & Lucas were not exactly predicting this implosion based upon ex-bodybuilding addicts desperately searching for a comeback at any price, but still.......the timing was extraordinary. And since it seems Schwarzenegger and his "creative" team are entirely bankrupt creatively, Cinema Romantico thought it be might helpful to further augment his spiral into sequel-itis.

5 More Arnold Schwarzenegger Sequels (And 1 Prequel)

Hercules In Sacramento. Hercules becomes Governor of California after the recall of the Nemean Lion. Strangely, though, most of “Hercules In Sacramento” winds up being set and shot in Los Angeles.

Commando 2. When John Matrix is kidnapped, his daughter, Jenny Matrix (Alyssa Milano), is forced to recruit her sister Jill Matrix (Holly Marie Combs) and their long lost half-sister Jolene (Rose McGowan) to rescue him.

Jingle All The Way 2. Schwarzenegger’s son – whose character name no one remembers, which leads to a meta joke in which Schwarzenegger can never remember his own son’s name – has turned into a workaholic just like his dad and, thus, fails to remember to buy his own son the new iPhone 47 for Christmas. Alas, only an extremely limited supply of iPhone 47s were released into stores ahead of December 25th and the rest are kept on Apple's secret backlot. Thus, Schwarzenegger crafts a caper in which he, his son whose name he can't remember, Sinbad and Sinbad's son (Jaden Smith), whose name his father can't remember, who forgot to buy his son the iPhone 47, break into the Apple secret backlot in hopes of thieving a couple Christmas presents. Hijinks ensue but, ultimately, lessons are learned.

End of Days 2: Days Are Ending (Again). Despite his character having died in the original “End of Days” to, in fact, prevent the ending of days, Schwarzenegger announces plans to return for a sequel in which his character re-prevents the ending of days. Don't ask. I don't know how it works either.

The Running Man vs. Predator. In the rarely glimpsed crossover-film-within-his-own-filmography, Schwarzenegger reprises his role as wrongly accused cop Ben Richards (who has been wrongly accused AGAIN!!!) from 1987's "The Running Man" and is punished by being deposited onto a Reality TV show island that has harnessed an other-wordly "Predator" from Schwarzenegger's other 1987 movie to hunt and kill its "contestants".

Dutch & Dillon. A prequel to 1987's "Predator" which shows the good ol' days of Schwarzenegger's Major Alan "Dutch" Schaefer and Carl Weathers' George Dillon before he became a shady CIA operative. And yes, a prequel would make no sense since Schwarzenegger and Weathers would appear 30 years older - unless you simply write your way out of this conundrum by employing...wait for it...time travel.


Wretched Genius said...

I hold firm in my belief that a sequel to End of Days should be about Schwarzenegger having to constantly head west, defeating Satan before midnight in each time zone.

Also, since you missed it, I'm taking this opportunity to stamp my intellectual copyright on Junior High School Cop and Triplets, where Arnold and Danny Devito find out that they also have a twin sister.

Nick Prigge said...

"I hold firm in my belief that a sequel to End of Days should be about Schwarzenegger having to constantly head west, defeating Satan before midnight in each time zone."

Yes! A thousand times, yes! That's the answer! I would pay far too much money to see that movie.

Rory Larry said...

since the cast of comando two is just the cast of charmed can we add in Shannon Doherty?

Nick Prigge said...

We can certainly try. I get the feeling she'll high-ball the producers and end up walking.