Airplane II: The Sequel: The Remake

When Hollywood gets together for its weekly what-remakes-are-we-greenlighting? meeting I suspect that the priority level of a remake for "Airplane II: The Sequel" ranks somewhere right around the priority level of a remake for "The Air Up There" (which is to say, expect to see a remake of "The Air Up There" in the next 5-10 years). However, I think a remake of "Airplane II: The Sequel" is of dire necessity. Allow me to explain.

As you might recall, the so-called plot of "Airplane II: The Sequel" involves a passenger space shuttle being flown to the now-colonized moon. Things go haywire. Hijinks ensue.

You may have heard that Sir Richard Branson and cronies are sending a Virgin Galactic shuttle into space and that it is going to be loaded to the gills with stars and notable names who can afford the sky-high ticket price. According to the New York Daily News, the stars currently booked for this initial space flight include Justin Bieber, Ashton Kutcher, Stephen Hawking, Russell Brand, Katy Perry (Brand's ex), Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Leonardo DiCaprio, Lance Bass and, oh yes, Kate Winslet.

Well, there you go. I mean, really. That's a movie. Stars go into space. Things go haywire. Hijinks ensue.

I'm envisioning that Justin Bieber eats fish for dinner and his toes curl up because, seriously, no one wants him around for the whole movie. (Too mean? All right. He'll take some dramamine because he's afraid of flying and then pass out for the whole movie.) I'm envisioning Ashton Kutcher getting "space dementia" and being all, you know, Kutcher-ish and Angelina Jolie finally just punching him in the face and stuffing him in the overhead. I'm envisioning Russell Brand and Katy Perry squabbling and breaking into the minibar and throwing things.

I'm envisioning space aliens attacking. I'm envisioning Leo & Brad Pitt stepping to the forefront because they assume that since they are Leo & Brad Pitt they must be the leading men of this movie. But then they get into an argument over which one of them gets top billing. They summon Kate & Angelina to settle the argument. Kate & Angelina look at each other and roll their eyes and decide to take matters into their own hands.

Your Airplane II: The Sequel: The Remake leading ladies.

They ask Stephen Hawking how to build a space laser out of the items onboard and so Stephen Hawking coaches them through building a space laser with items onboard. They build it. It doesn't work.

So Kate and Angelina just don space suits and fight off the aliens one-by-one in hand to hand combat in space.

The movie ends. The credits roll. We cut to a shot of Lance Bass exiting the space shuttle lavatory.