' ' Cinema Romantico: Random Cinematic Awards 2013

Thursday, January 09, 2014

Random Cinematic Awards 2013

Malin Akerman & some other dude are here to present Cinema Romantico's Annual Random Awards.
Best Line(s) Of The Year: Westray: "A plague of pustulant boils upon all their scurvid asses." Counselor: "Is that your normal toast?" Westray: "Increasingly." - "The Counselor"

Best Line Of The Year Runner-Up: "She was the Picasso of passive-aggressive karate." - Christian Bale, "American Hustle"

Best Out-of-Context Line Of The Year: "It's a reminder. Don't get bit." - Matthew McConaughey, "Mud"

Best Out-of-Context Line Of The Year Runner-Up: "Yo, girl, wassup?" - Greta Gerwig, "Frances Ha"

Best Line (Not Of This) Year: "Does that young woman do anything besides make exits?" - Van Johnson, "Johnny Eager"

Best Line (Not Of This) Year Runner-Up: "When I want you to sound off, Golden Bells, I'll pull your rope." - Jean Harlow, "China Seas"

Best Beer Consultant of the Year: Kate Thomas, "Drinking Buddies."

Best Trailer of the Year: "The Bling Ring", teaser. Reveals nothing, says everything. I may or may not have watched this trailer 1,700 times. Sofia's such a genius even her trailers are genius.

The Annual Social Network Award (presented to the best opening scene in a movie): "Spring Breakers." See here for full detail.

The Annual I-Like-My-Brandy-In-A-Glass Award (presented to the best onscreen drink in a movie): Amy Adams. Scotch. "Man of Steel." No, I'll never stop talking about it, so get used to it.

The Annual I'll-Buy-You-A-Stella-Artois Award (presented to the best screenplay of the year which the Academy annually fails to nominate which annually leads to me offering to buy the writer a Stella Artois as compensation): Nicole Holofcener, "Enough Said."

The Annual Buck C. Turgidson Award (presented to the best facial expression in a movie): Javier Bardem in "The Counselor" while Cameron Diaz has, uh, relations with his Ferrari.

The Annual Slime Monster Award (presented to the the actor most willing to let himself look like complete shit in a movie): Ben Mendelsohn in "The Place Beyond The Pines".

The Annual Obama Flag Lapel Pin Award (presented to the best decorative pin in a movie): Anna Margaret Hollyman. Christmas Tree Pin. "White Reindeer." As God is my witness, the entirety of the holiday season, all its wonderfulness and awfulness and ridiculousness and crassness can be found in that one pin on her red sweater and all the sights it is made to see.

The Annual Lady Gaga Award (presented to the best hair in a movie): Adele Exarchopoulos, "Blue Is The Warmest Color." Up. Down. This way. That way. Every way. Wind tunneled. Prim and proper, but false. The film's title may be derived from the other girl's hair, but no one's hair at a movie in 2013 said more about the character and her evolving journey than the hair of Exarchopoulos. And because, as has been reported, there was no hair or makeup person on the film set, that much more power to Adele. I'd nominate her for Best Actress and for Best Hair & Makeup.

The Annual Gwen Stewari Award (presented to the best hair streaks in a movie): Rinko Kikuchi, "Pacific Rim." And yes, Cinema Romantico is the only blog on the globe, guaranteed, that will give an award to "Pacific Rim" not for special effects but for hair and makeup.

The Annual "Now We Can Eat" Award (presented to the best meal in a movie): Robert Redford. Beans. "All Is Lost." The scattered shots of Redford, stranded faraway at sea on a decrepit boat, solemnly eating beans from a can with the elegiac score for accompaniment almost unbelievably seems to suggest to the audience an entire narrative map of life decisions that has led to this dour point.

The Annual Then He Kissed Me In Goodfellas Award (presented to the best use of pop music in a movie): "If You Needed Me" in "Broken Circle Breakdown." You can watch it here, but I strongly advise that you need the film's full context to truly appreciate its staggering beauty.

The Annual Best Of My Love In Boogie Nights Award (presented to the second best use of pop music in a movie): "Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites" in "Spring Breakers." See also: Best Opening Scene In A Movie (above).

The Annual Jack Donaghy Funcooker Award (presented to the best use of a microwave in a movie): "American Hustle."

The Annual Malin Akerman Award (presented to the movie character on whom I had the biggest crush): Rachel Boston in "It's A Disaster." If you've seen the film, no explanation is necessary. If you haven't seen the film but you know me, no explanation is necessary either.

The Annual Merv Griffin Is The Elevator Killer Award (presented to the best movie cameo): Emma Watson, "This Is The End." 

The Annual Madeleine White Award (presented to the movie character most deserving of his/her own movie): Mélanie Laurent, "Now You See Me." Oh, what I would have given for Ms. Laurent to just ditch all the magic show hullabaloo and go back to Paris to half-heartedly investigate art thefts at the Louvre amidst so much espresso and playful banter.  

The Annual A.O. Scott Award (presented to the best movie review quote of the year): "It is about time we addressed the crisis of British manhood. The once proud nation that in the last century gave us such vital and varied paragons of masculinity as Winston Churchill, Laurence Olivier, Mick Jagger and Morrissey is now represented in the popular imagination mainly by rabbity, passive-aggressive stammerers. With all due respect — or maybe just, sort of, well, just the tiniest smidgen of due respect, if you see what I mean — to Hugh Grant, it all seems to be his fault. When he sweet-talked Julia Roberts in 'Notting Hill,' the whole world swooned, and the sun slid further below the horizon of John Bull’s manly old empire." - A.O. Scott, New York Times, on "About Time"

The Annual Roger Ebert Award (presented to the best movie essay of the year): "Do I Regret Watching 'Before Midnight?'" by Nikhat Zahra of Being Norma Jeane. Nikhat, one of the best out here in the film blogosphere, explores the question posed in a piece that is as genuine and heartfelt as they come. She astutely and incredibly captures the way so many of us Jesse & Celine fanatics felt in its argumentative wake. Bravo, I say.


Nikhat said...

Thank you so much for that! That just made my whole week. And I really love these entries. I've been trying to do Adele's updo for weeks now but failing completely.

(Also, and I feel awful pointing it out but it's Zahra :P)

Nick Prigge said...

Gah! I'm so sorry! I knew that. Sometimes I wish I had a proper editor. Fixed.

Andrew K. said...

Oh, Nick. Never change. Never, ever ever change: The Annual Jack Donaghy Funcooker Award (presented to the best use of a microwave in a movie): "American Hustle."

I miss "30 Rock".

(I understand what that Picasso line, is saying but it doesn't really make any sense to me either, literally speaking.)

Mette said...

Best awards ever! No need to obsess over the Oscar anymore... kinda (I just can't help it though).

And yay for Nikh (loved that essay as well). That Bling Ring teaser too. My friend just told me it was a 'bad' movie. I just don't get it, it's so f-ing smart.

Nick Prigge said...

Andrew: Ha! Thanks! I miss "30 Rock" too.

Mette: Thank you! And there is still definitely a need to obsess over Oscar. I mean, God knows I'll still be obsessing.

And I totally hear you on "The Bling Ring." I've had those arguments too, and they're so frustrating. I've had people make the "Wolf of Wall St" argument to me over it, how it's glorifying what they did, which just makes no sense to me.