' ' Cinema Romantico: 5 Roles Kylie Minogue Could Play In San Andreas

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

5 Roles Kylie Minogue Could Play In San Andreas

Last week it was announced that Kylie Minogue, baddest of the bad asses, will be in starring in the forthcoming thriller "San Andreas." It stars Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson as a firefighter and his obligatory ex-wife (Carla Gugino) traveling from Los Angeles to San Francisco in the wake of a no-dobut ginormous earthquake to rescue their daughter. What role Ms. Minogue will play, according to The Hollywood Reporter, "is being kept under wraps." Which is no fun at all. Which is why Cinema Romantico is here to help.

5 Roles Kylie Minogue Could Play In San Andreas

1. She stars as the housewife of a San Jose software magnate who accompanies her husband to L.A. where he has business so she can indulge in a spa weekend. When the earthquake hits, however, her chamomile scrub is interrupted and her husband becomes panicked when all electricity has been brought down. She snaps into action, hitches them a ride with The Rock & Carla, fends for herself, makes a fire, kills a coyote and fixes it for supper, and at film’s end asks her spouse who has spent the whole movie clamoring for a generator to re-charge his iPhone Nome 7.7 for a divorce so she can go on a Californicated walkabout.

2.  She stars as the First Lady of California, sort of The Golden State’s Carla Bruni, serenading foreign dignitaries with a cover of Natalie Merchant’s “San Andreas Fault” (obviously) at a Hollywood Bowl benefit when the quake strikes. The Governor falls into a trench and the Lt. Governor (Jason Sudeikis) proves himself an obligatory bumbling buffoon which causes Kylie to take the state’s reins. In "Volcano" terms, she plays Don Cheadle to The Rock's Tommy Lee Jones and Carla Gugino's Anne Heche.....just with a better hat.

3. En route to San Francisco, The Rock and Carla Gugino stop at a Costco for supplies only to find that upon going through the automatic doors they have entered a last chance saloon cut straight from the turn of the century – the turn of the 20th century, that is. Upon meeting the saloon proprietor (Kylie Minogue), they are made to realize they have time-traveled to 1906, a mere twenty-four hours ahead of The Great Earthquake. If they warn people of that earthquake will they be able to alter the future and stop this earthquake? Or would altering the future lead to consequences so dire they are beyond human comprehension? And will Kylie perform a cabaret number that sounds suspiciously more like 2014 than 1906 in an outfit made to look like a cross between Jeanette McDonald and the Fever2002 Tour?

4. With The Rock and Carla Gugino’s daughter stranded post-quake on the fractured and now in-escapable Golden Gate Bridge, they have no alternative but to turn to – quoting the film’s prospective dialogue exactly – “the best bridge climber in the country.” That’s Taryn Higginbotham (Kylie Minogue), currently sitting in a Marin County jail after her latest attempt to scale the Golden Gate was foiled. The Rock and Carla Gugino bust her out - the villainous Marin County Sheriff ignoring earthquake relief to go after her - as she proceeds to lead them on an epic climb of the Golden Gate.

5. The Rock and Carla Gugino strike out for San Francisco only to find it having devolved into a town of post-quake lawlessness where their daughter has been taken prisoner by the Alcatraz Queen (Katy Perry). Desperate to a stage a rescue attempt, The Rock and Carla Gugino hire the only person crazy enough to ferry them across the bay, a mysterious stranger known simply as The Yachtswoman (Kylie Minogue). Alas, it seems The Yachtswoman and the Alcatraz Queen have unfinished business. Mayhem of a most diva-esque variety ensues. The movie forgets about The Rock and Carla Gugino and their daughter and no one complains. And "objective" critic Nick Prigge is heard to say: "I've seen it twenty-five times in the theater and I'm going again tomorrow."

Reader: "Did this post just jump the shark?"


Derek Armstrong said...

It's the specificity that makes me such a fan of your work.

Taryn Higginbotham indeed.

Nick Prigge said...

Ha! Too kind, sir. Too kind. If I only from where such nonsense emerged...