' ' Cinema Romantico: Summer Movie Preview: Best Case/Worst Case

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Summer Movie Preview: Best Case/Worst Case

It’s April. And though it’s thirty-nine degrees with a chance of snow, well, the summer movie season waits for no weather report. After all, this is why the planned “Poseidon Adventure” remake starring Kate Middleton as herself leading the ENTIRE SHIP to safety is now slated to open Groundhog Day 2019. Gotta make that money, son.

The summer movie season of 2015 looks no different than any other summer movie season. Sequels, remakes and reboots, oh my, proving yet again that Hollywood is not creatively bankrupt, okay? Because creativity is about more than creativity, you whiners. Creativity is about weekend grosses and advertisements on the sides of trains and “test(ing) story concepts”. Duh. Even so, summer movie season is a way of life whether we like it or not and so we here at Cinema Romantico thought it might be fun to examine a few of the more extensive tentpoles from the viewpoint of what their best and worst scenarios could be. Join us, won’t you?

Summer Movie Preview: Best/Worst Case Scenarios

Avengers: Age of Ultron (May 1). Best Case: The film turns out to be an Agatha Christie-ish murder mystery set entirely within the confines of The Algonquin Hotel. Worst Case: Its runaway success causes an Avengers and Ant Man crossover. (Full Disclosure: I still don’t know who or what Ant Man is.)

Blackhat. (May 12.) Whoops! This is a blu ray release! My bad! Well, as long we're here, why don't you read my review and THEN, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SEE IT.

Mad Max: Fury Road (May 15). Best Case: A confused Tom Hardy winds up in an actual on set thunderdome run by Katy Perry where he finds himself in an accent-off with Will Ferrell. Worst Case: Its runaway success causes a “Mad Max” and “Fast & Furious” crossover - “Mad Max vs. Dom Toretto.”

Poltergeist (May 22). Best Case: The film turns out to be found footage in which the poltergeist of the original “Poltergeist” is so peeved by this remake that it wreaks havoc. Worst Case: Its runaway success causes a “Poltergeist” and “Silent Night Deadly Night” crossover - “Poltergeist” vs. Santa Claus.

This isn't Bradley Cooper in "Aloha", but it could be.
Aloha (May 29). Best Case: It’s Cameron Crowe's Elvis Movie. Worst Case: It’s “We Bought A Zoo” 2.0.

San Andreas. (May 29.) Best Case: It features Kylie Minogue as a super-heroic seismologist who saves the day by reversing the rotation of the earth. Worst Case: It turns out Kylie Minogue was not actually in the movie and the studio simply employed her name to draw the all-powerful Kylie demographic to the theater to inflate its opening weekend box office.

Entourage. (June 5.) Best Case: Vincent Chase is hounded by a scandal in which he’s paid $19 million more than his co-star Amy Adams (as herself) despite the obvious fact that she’s carrying his can’t-act ass in every single frame of the whole film. Eventually, Adams earns equal pay and wins an Oscar. Vincent is given bad notices and forced to act in a movie filmed in Bulgaria where Drama has the lead. Worst Case: It's, like, you know, exactly what it's going to be.

"Macklin, you son of a bitch."
Jurassic World. (June 12.) Best Case: The entire film turns out to be a “Bowfinger”-esque production in which Chris Pratt as Special Agent Burt Macklin attempts to film an unwitting Laura Dern (as herself) amidst a gaggle of stuffed toy dinosaurs in her own backyard. Worst Case: Feeling as if all types of actual dinosaurs are, like, played out and a little boring, director Colin Trevorrow invents a dinosaur - the gigawattasaur, capable of “harnessing 1.21 gigawatts of Jurassic-ness.”

Magic Mike XXL. (July 1.) Best Case: No one remembers it wasn’t directed by Steven Soderbergh until the “directed by” credit appears. Worst Case: Everyone remembers it wasn’t directed by Steven Soderbergh when the “directed by” credit appears.

Terminator: Genisys. (July 1.) Best Case: The film begins on July 5, 2015, only four days after its release, in which James Cameron (as himself) is so distraught by the actual finished product that he builds a T-2722 (Michelle Rodriguez) and sends it back in time in order to prevent the production of “Terminator: Genisys” which leads to an unheard of cinematic event in which the film we’re watching is literally erased before our eyes. Worst Case: James Cameron’s attempts to send the T-2722 back in time fail, prompting another sequel, Terminator: ExUdUs, in which Cameron attempts to send the T-2824 back in time to the set of “Terminator Salvation”, thus forcing us all to re-live “Terminator Salvation.”

Help us, Michelle Monaghan, you're our only hope.
Mission: Impossible: Rogue Nation (July 31.) Best Case: It turns out the “Rogue Nation” of the title refers to Scientology and Michelle Monaghan (as herself) assists Tom Cruise (as himself) in escaping David Miscavige’s clutches. Worst Case: It is so successful that David Miscavige officially declares Tom Cruise as Knight Commander of the Most Excellent Order of the Thetan Empire. A crossover of “Mission: Impossible” and “Battlefield Earth” ensues.

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