' ' Cinema Romantico: Five Potential Neighbors 3 Adversaries

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Five Potential Neighbors 3 Adversaries

Following on the heels of the successful “Neighbors” (2014), which racked up $150 million in domestic box office on a mere $18 million budget, the inevitable sequel was released last week and will no doubt propagate another sequel because even if the Almighty First Weekend box office haul left those who study such things feeling a little blue, well, it’s still Hollywood where sequels often correlate less to how much they make and more to suede bootlicking. And so we got to thinking about how if Mac and Kelly Radner (Seth Rogen and Rose Byrne) did battle with a frat next door in the first one and then waged war with a sorority in the second who the enemy would be in “Neighbors 3”? What a question! Apparently such a good question that Seth Rogen and Zac Efron already beat me to the punch (and I started this post before their spoof - I swear) by pitching “Neighbors 3: Zombies Rising.” To which I say......zombies? I think we can do a little better than that.

Five Potential Neighbors 3 Adversaries 

Graduates. Remember The Cougars, an ephemeral name bestowed upon a group of haughty graduates in Noah Baumbach’s esteemed “Kicking and Screaming” by their most vexatious member, a self-impressed lot sartorially adherent to suit jackets with leather elbow patches that spent most of their time drinking cheap beer and debating random nothings with righteous fury? So Mac and Kelly will move in next door to a few of these highbrow new alums, finding themselves engaged not so much in escalating violent warfare with young bros who won’t shut up but mind games of awe-inspiring pointless pomposity with a bunch of jerky faux-intellects.

Professor Glitterati. Mac and Kelly Radner move in next door to a seemingly uninhabited mansion, once idyllic but now drowned out by overgrowth. All is well, until they began hearing sounds late at night. Not loud sounds, mind you, but quiet sounds, yet still ominous, glasses clinking and cocktail chatter. Slag Glass lamps burn the midnight oil. One evening they see a massive accordion folder placed into the trunk of a car by a bearded man in rumpled khakis and corduroy blazer. Kelly convinces Mac to spy on these mysterious goings-on whereby they discover the house next door is actually The Lodge for a Fraternal Order of Professors who determine who and who does not earn tenure at the university. Armed with this information, Mac and Kelly set out to expose the truth, but the Fraternal Order of Professors will not go down without a fight.

Water Polo Team. Mac and Kelly Radner move in next door to the entire Silverado Canyon College men’s Water Polo team which means that 22 chiseled dudes are walking around half the movie in speedos which naturally prompts Mac to feel completely emasculated. In response, he re-enrolls in school all as a ploy to join the Water Polo team which leads to innumerable shots of a flabby chested Seth Rogen in a water polo helmet floundering in the water. COMEDY GOLD ENSUES!!!!!!!

Townies. Unable to find a new home that fits their budget, Mac and Kelly Radner are forced to temporarily re-locate to a small apartment situated above The Hilltop Tavern, an un-acclaimed townie bars. Alas, Mac and Kelly’s newborn baby wails so much that it enrages the townies below, all of whom prefer to drink while in silence, and prompts them to take drastic if casual action to ensure these upstairs interlopers leave them to wallow in their daytime PBR in peace.

Suburbanites. So desperate not to find themselves in a third situation involving college-aged hooligans, Mac and Kelly Radner decide to become those people (“I never thought we’d become those people!” cries Mac) and flee for the suburbs, Brightwood Meadows to be exact, only to wind up locked into a Homeowners Association lorded over Bonnie Nordgaard (Nicole Kidman), a ruthless stickler for the most egregious HOA bylaws. Small confrontations eventually yield all-out war waged via spectacularly barbed passive aggression.

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