10 Not at TIFF Movies to See

The Toronto International Film Festival kicks off today. It’s the George Clooney of the multitude of fall film festivals, the movie Eden where just about any film dreaming of reaping that all-important cultural cache this awards season will be screening, where Oscar contenders will be born or discarded which will prompt many critics to angrily shake their fists at such instantaneous proclamations before instantaneously composing 140 character reviews on Twitter THAT CAME BEFORE YOUR 140 CHARACTER REVIEW ON TWITTER BECAUSE I WAS FIRST SO THERE before other critics who dismiss hair-trigger critiques as the domain of inferior hacks nevertheless imperiously dismiss films they have not even seen because those supposedly inferior hacks offered glowing testaments.

My head already hurts. And so while you can expect to be inundated with a spate of The Ten Films To See At TIFF lists, and witty Twitter ripostes like “Who CARES about lists?”, and endless declarations of “This movie proves Cinema Is Not Dead”, we here at Cinema Romantico are helping out you unlucky blokes stuck anywhere but Toronto with a list of Ten Films Not At TIFF To See. After all, if you watch a movie not at TIFF during TIFF, does it still make a sound? TBD.

10 Not at TIFF Movies to See

Force 10 from Navarone. TIFF opens with Antoine Fuqua’s unnecessary “Magnificent Seven” remake, and while “Force 10 from Navarone” is an unnecessary sequel as opposed to an unnecessary remake, it will still put us in a similar frame of mind.

Kansas. When I was doing “research” for my Flashback to the Eighties series, I discovered this non-gem from 1988 in which Matt Dillon and Andrew McCarthy play bank robbers, like a Reagan-era “Hell or High Water” methinks. How have I not seen this? I need to see this. (I actually don’t need to see this, of course, even though I do, which is why it’s perfect for faux-TIFF.)

Summer of Dreams. A Hallmark movie in which the immortal Debbie Gibson plays, ahem, Debbie Taylor who is, ahem, a washed up pop star who returns, as she must, to her hometown and becomes, that’s right, a music teacher. “Romance,” as IMDb astutely notes, “is not far behind.” And this movie...I will watch this movie. And I am not kidding. I will watch this movie and I will review this movie (for real) and you will damn well deal with it.

W.W. and the Dixie Dancekings. I did not expect my visit to the Ryman Auditorium in Nashville this past June to uncover an improbable 1970s movie that I did not know existed, but then you never know what life, mysterious life, will throw at you. And when I saw this poster tacked up there in one of its hallways I took out my trusty iPhone and made a note to the effect of “OH MY GOD WHATEVER YOU DO SEE W.W. AND THE DIXIE DANCEKINGS”. Because not only is peak era Burt Reynolds a Robin Hood From The South, he apparently inadvertently becomes the public relations rep, or thereabouts, for a country music band. Hell, I don’t even need to see this to already know its irrefutable proof that Cinema Is Not Dead.

Secret in Their Eyes. Nicole Kidman > > > > > Rotten Tomatoes Tomatometer

Streets of Fire. When is it not a good time to watch “Streets of Fire”?!

Fun in Acapulco. It’s Not at TIFF tradition to re-watch an Elvis movie, of course, and this year let’s go down Mexico way to see Mr. Presley as Mike Windgren (C- Elvis movie character name), a cliff diver whose hair never gets out of place even when he leaps into the sea from great heights, and who also takes time to indulge his inner-musical number cuz life ain’t just jumping from cliffs.

Aspirational. With every film festival you inevitably hit a wall when you just need to chill out and re-charge. This will even be the case with our faux-film festival, no doubt, and so let's take the eighth day to simply sit back and watch the greatest short film of all time* (*slightly biased). “I’ve got this sparkle shit all over me.”

Potential poster for Madrid Murder Mystery.

Madrid Murder Mystery. The spectacularly reviewed Spanish comedy that debuted earlier this year at the Praia da Luz Film Festival in which Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem star as Carmencita and Lorenzo, a longtime married couple whose trend-setting, jet-setting ways have taken an emotional toll on their union, causing them to question not only their love but existence itself, and who find their flame re-kindled when they find themselves caught up in an amatuer yet no less effective investigation of their nextdoor neighbor, a telenovela extra, who winds up deceased under suspicious circumstances. It’s possible I dreamt all this when I was ill two weeks ago, but I’m holding out hope it’s real.

Cocktail. Closing night gala? Who needs a closing night gala? Let’s just stay home and sit on the couch and watch “Cocktail” on TNT.