2019 Movie Preview Extravaganza!

The Academy Awards are still on the horizon, meaning last year’s movies are not done with us quite yet, and we here at Cinema Romantico are still sifting through 2018 screeners anyway because we have become very blerg on the whole end of the year watching binge. Still, it is 2019, the start of a whole new movie year! How exciting! So many fresh films to experience, so many new cinematic perspectives to witness, so many novel movie worlds to encounter! As such, we thought it was a good idea to spotlight a few of 2019’s most exciting upcoming releases!

2019 Movie Preview Extravaganza!

Miss Bala (February 1). This is an American remake of a 2011 Mexican film (reviewed here) of the same title because who wants to read subtitles, amirite?

Cold Pursuit (February 8). This is an American remake of a 2014 Norwegian film, “In Order of Disappearance” (reviewed here), because who wants to read subtitles, amirite? (See Also: “Miss Bala”, above)

The Grudge (June 21). This is the fourth sequel to the remake (Editor’s Note: reboot) of the original Japanese “Ju-on” series because who wants to read subtitles, amirite? (See Also: “Miss Bala” & “Cold Pursuit”, above)

What Men Want (February 8). This is a remake of “What Women Want”, the 2000 rom com starring persecuted casualty of the Biased Media Mel Gibson, because the one thing the world most needs right now is a movie based around the game-changing idea that men are from Mars and women are from Venus.

The Hustle (February 8). This is not a remake of “Saturday Night Fever” (1977) but a remake of “Dirty Rotten Scoundrels” (1988) which was a remake of “Bedtime Story” (1964).

Child’s Play (June 21). This is the remake (Editor’s Note: reboot) of the non-seminal 1980s slasher series about a doll that comes to life which seems redundant because I thought the “Anabelle” slasher series was supposed to preclude a need for going back to this well.

Anabelle 3 (July 3). See above.

The Lion King (July 19). A photorealistic computer animated remake of the beloved 1994 animated film.

Aladdin (May 24). A live-action remake of the beloved 1992 animated film.

Dumbo (March 29). A live-reaction remake of...this reminds me, did you hear about this Weezer cover of TLC’s “No Scrubs”? Do you know what I wish? I wish Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes (RIP) was here to record a diss track about that wimpy, sweater-y rubbish.

Shaft (June 14). This is a direct sequel to “Shaft” (2000) which was not a remake (Editor’s Note: or a reboot) but an indirect sequel to the original “Shaft.”

This is Jeffrey Wright, who will not be in Shaft, and was not in Shaft, but was in Shaft.

Minecraft: The Movie (May 24). This is a movie based on a video game because that’s what we’re doing now.

Hobbs and Shaw (July 26). This is a spinoff from the “Fast and Furious” series featuring the characters of Luke Hobbs and Deckard Shaw played, respectively, by Dwayne Johnson and Jason Statham because, I guess, “The Fate of the Furious” spent its entire running time teasing fisticuffs between these two characters and then never delivering so better late than never, or something.

Hellboy (April 12). This is a remake (Editor’s Note: reboot) of the original “Hellboy” series because the last “Hellboy” movie was in 2008 which in 2019 years means it’s as old as “The Toxic Avenger.”

Godzilla: King of Monsters (May 31). This is a sequel to the remake (Editor’s Note: reboot) of the original “Godzilla” franchise that got by primarily on the facial expressions of Sally Hawkins and Ken Watanabe, the real monster movie royalty here, so thank God they’re back.

Terminator (November 1). This is the 6th installment in the “Terminator” franchise after “Rise of the Machines”, “Salvation” and “Genisys”, though it does not acknowledge any of these movies, picking up where “Terminator 2” left off which is where the whole series should have just left it which is why we will inevitably end up someday with Christopher Mintz-Plasse in a comedy about a “Terminator” fan who goes back in time to stop James Cameron (as himself) from making “Terminator” altogether, a brutal, satirical reckoning with getting too much of the things we love. Speaking of which...

This is Michael Biehn from The Terminator who will not be in Terminator.

Star Wars: Episode IX (December 20). I’m just tired, man. Aren’t you tired?

Charlie’s Angels (November 1). FFS.

Zombieland 2 (October 11). Like Marcus Aurelius explaining that Maximus’s very desire not to be Emperor is what would make him a perfect Emperor, the beautiful open ending of the wonderful “Zombieland” was exactly why it did not need and should not have a sequel.

Little Women (December 25). This is the 8th adaptation of Louisa May Alcott’s 1868 novel of the same name but it’s directed by Greta Gerwig for whom this blog is completely in the tank so we’re giving it a pass.....for now.

X-Men: Dark Phoenix (June 7). This is the 12th installment in the “X-Men” series, apparently. I say apparently because much like a certain sect of Liz Phair fans don’t acknowledge her career past “Whitechocolatespaceegg” I don’t acknowledge the “X-Men” series past Rebecca Romijin.

Spider-Man: Far From Home (July 5). This is the sequel to “Spider-Man Homecoming” which was a remake (Editor’s Note: reboot) of the second “Spider-Man” remake (Editor’s Note: reboot) of the original franchise and sort of affiliated with the animated “Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse”, I guess, which was, per Wikipedia, “set in a shared multiverse called the Spider-Verse, which has alternate universes” which I guess includes this universe even though it’s not animated and I think I might be leaving my body as I type this.

Avengers: Endgame (April 29). This is the 4th “Avengers” film, a direct sequel to last year’s “Avengers: Infinity War”, though, and I’m just being honest here, I actually Googled “Infinity War” to see if it was involved with “The Avengers” and then remembered “Avengers” was literally in the title which, I don’t know, I forgot because when I thought of “Infinity War” all I could think of was Josh Brolin and how much I’d like to imagine Eddie Mannix running Marvel Studios and having a scene with Thora and Thessaly Thacker and three Spider-Mans.

This is Shaquille O'Neal in Steel, which is DC, not Marvel, and so he will not be in Avengers.

Dora the Explorer (August 2). This is a movie based on a TV show because that’s what we’re doing now.

Downton Abbey (September 20). Why? Why are we doing this? Why are we making TV shows into movies? TV SHOWS SHOULD NOT BE MOVIES. MOVIES SHOULD NOT WANT TO BE TV SHOWS. MOVIES SHOULDN’T EVEN BE INVITING TV SHOWS TO DINNER. TV DOESN’T PUT US ON HOLD!!! WE PUT TV ON HOLD!!!

Joker (October 4). I THOUGHT HEATH LEDGER’S PERFORMANCE AS THE JOKER WAS SINGULAR? HOW MANY GODDAM TIMES DID I READ THAT IN REVIEWS? WHY THE HELL DO I KEEP SEEING MORE JOKERS?

Men in Black: International (June 14). WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? WHY IS THIS THE BEST WE CAN DO FOR TESSA THOMPSON? WHO’S IN CHARGE HERE? WHO’S RUNNING HOLLYWOOD? I SWEAR TO FU-