College Admissions: The Movie

Yesterday a total of 50 people were indicted, per CBS News, in a widespread college admission bribery scandal. Academically un-gifted students of well-to-do parents were recruited as athletes despite possessing no athletic talent to elite universities where they were given help in cheating on their entrance exams. (The details are dizzying.) Among those charged were Hollywood actresses Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin. And Cinema Romantico would not be doing its job if it did not turn this tale of spectacular privilege and wealth run stupidly amok into a movie pitch. I’m so sorry (you’re welcome). 

College Admissions: The Movie

In a nod to Lori Loughlin’s Hallmark Channel roots, we will cast Candace Cameron Bure (shout-out to my friend Naomi for this suggestion) as Laura Laffler, the Lori Loughlin character, and Hope Davis as Fable Moritz, the Felicity Huffman character, who conspire to get their spoiled, less-than-academically-inclined daughters into prestigious University of California Catalina Island (UCCI) on bogus beach volleyball scholarships (sex sells!). When the moms are busted by the FBI, they are summarily locked up as cellmates where they are forced to search their souls.

We will cast Vanessa Hudgens as Ophelia Laffler, daughter of Laura, and AnnaSophia Robb as Savannah Moritz, daughter of Fable, whose scholarships are revoked when their moms go to jail. Alas, UCCI is down one beach volleyball team when its two best players are coincidentally injured in a parasailing accident, forcing the beleaguered athletic department to strike a deal: Ophelia and Fable can earn back their scholarships if they win the beach volleyball conference title. Thus, these two good-for-nothings are forced to dig deep for something more as they reach for the stars, learning to volleyball and love themselves along the way!

Dina Meyer will play their coach, Karla Sloan, a disgraced former beach volleyball star who was caught doping at the Olympics and is promoted from who-cares assistant to win-at-all-costs head coach when her boss is implicated in the admissions scandal. Though Karla seeks to have Ophelia and Savannah dope too, since what other hope do they have, she eventually learns performance enhancing drugs are no match for a little hard work. 

Kaitlin Olson will play Ophelia and Savannah’s supervisor at the Whataburger where the two girls are forced to get jobs to pay their way after the government freezes their family’s assets and they got no money.

Queen Latifah will play Tina, prison mentor to Laura and Fable, who is jovial and full of helpful advice despite serving a 20 year rap for loitering. At movie’s end, Laura and Fable are released on good behavior despite an early comical scene where they bungle an escape attempt; Tina is denied parole.

Melissa McCarthy is the UCCI dean attempting to prevent Ophelia and Savannah from winning the beach volleyball conference title to save scholarship money. When Ophelia and Savannah emerge victorious anyway, they accept a free meal from a fast casual restaurant, unbeknownst to them a violation of NCAA rules. Their title is forfeited, their scholarships remain revoked, and the Dean receives a bonus comprised of money from the very same college admission scam slush fund.