' ' Cinema Romantico: What Hollywood Icon Should Be Earth's Representative to the Aliens?

Wednesday, September 04, 2019

What Hollywood Icon Should Be Earth's Representative to the Aliens?

In a lengthy, wide-ranging interview with Deadline, one observation from Hollywood’s reigning renegade Kristen Stewart stood out. She said: “I think that if we had to represent the earth and send one of ours out to an alien race and be like ‘Hey, this is us,’ I think it would be Cate.” Well, well, well. That’s an interesting exercise. And while we here at Cinema Romantico feel out of line in challenging Stewart’s conclusion, why does this blog exist if not to consider what Hollywood (or thereabouts) star should be chosen to represent earth in case of alien contact?

Before we begin, Cinema Romantico is obligated to mention that while Nicole Kidman, her eminence, might very well be the Hollywood icon most suited to the task, this blog’s inherent Kidman bias necessitates us recusing ourselves from any conversation pertaining to her possible role as alien ambassador.

Bill Murray might be the best representative to show the aliens a good time on earth, but I’m not sure that overall he would be the most appropriate singular diplomat.

Penelope Cruz & Javier Bardem, meanwhile, would essentially give the aliens too good a representation of earth. Like, the extra-terrestrials would meet Penelope & Javier and drink red wine & Fanta with them on the plaza and swoon over the goodness and beauty of humankind and then the aliens would get called into a meeting with the current American P*esident and, oh my God, I apologize I just brought His Imbecility into this.

There’s a 1/16th chance Kevin Corrigan would just, unawares, know the language of the aliens making first contact. But those are long odds.

The Rock could function as either an adulating diplomat or the hero if the aliens go rogue. His pecs, though, might just frighten the aliens in the first place.

Olivia de Havilland is an obvious choice, though I see her more in the role of Gong Li in “Miami Vice” – you know, that scene where she’s hanging in the shadows, listening to John Ortiz make first contact with the undercover operatives, only stepping in when the situation calls for it.

Paul Newman would have been “it” up until 2008 but, alas. And a Paul Newman hologram might confuse the E.T.s.

My Beautiful, Perspicacious Wife suggested Julie Andrews because 1.) She has perfect diction, which would speed up ambassadorial conversations and 2.) Everyone, including aliens, is an anglophile.

But. Speaking of anglophiles, shouldn’t the choice here be Daniel Day-Lewis? Wouldn’t he simply do the research and the actorly exercises and then just be the consummate earthly representative?

But isn’t that person already just Tom Hanks?

Or is it Sam Rockwell?

No. It’s Tilda Swinton. Because if Cinema Romantico has a source which can confirm that Swinton once accepted a handful of milk duds at a movie screening, signaling her crucial normalcy, she is also irrefutably, roundly, respectfully herself, a critical if atypical attribute which is the only reason why, as any Google search can advise, so many people seem to think she’s an alien; she’s advanced far beyond our frivolous human idiocy. Through that light, there is no other choice. #SendTilda

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