Train of Thought (Ray of Light)

I swear, reader, this all happened in my mind last Saturday night around 5 PM (CDT) in the span of, like, 57 seconds just the way I am about to present it.

On Saturday, the New Beverly Cinema in L.A. tweeted that “Aliens” opened on this day in 1986 with the accompanying promotional photo.

Having just watched “The Old Guard” on Netflix, I wondered if it had a promotional photo too. I was surprised to find that it did, even though it can’t quite compete with the epic air of “Aliens.” Then again, having bandana-ed Jenette Goldstein and Paul Reiser in your promotional photo is kind of a promotional photo cheat code.

Neither of them, though, I decided, have the je ne sais quoi of the original “Alien” promotional photo which is just a promotional photo masterpiece. Everyone is doing something different, everyone is in a different frame of mind for this obligatory salesmanship.

That reminded me of this “Attack of the Clones” promotional photo which is just something else. McGregor, bless his heart, is committed to the bit. Portman doesn’t know what the hell she’s supposed to be doing and doesn’t care that she doesn’t know. Christensen is, like, using his lightsaber as a back scratcher.

Any “Star Wars” promo photo makes me think of this one, obviously, because it looks like the cover of Luke & Leia’s lost 70s FM Laurel Canyon record.

Which always makes me think about how this promotional photo doesn’t look like any album cover. It looks like Tom Cruise is seriously uncomfortable, like he’s thrown his hips back because the photographer told him to and not because he’s devoted to the idea.

Tom Cruise only looks slightly more comfortable here in the ultimate “Top Gun” promo photo but, whatever, who cares, because my God, man, Kelly McGillis is pure fucking 80s! She’s leaning on the wing of that plane like it’s her locker and she’s the coolest damn girl in school.

You know who is even cooler? These two. You will never be this cool Gen Z. NEVER!

And that, of course, as always, brings me here, to what I always tell people is my favorite movie promotional photo of all time even though...

...secretly this is my favorite movie promotional photo of all time. THE PASSION WILL FLOW LIKE LAVA.