' ' Cinema Romantico: Which Kate Winslet Would You Call Upon to Save the World?

Thursday, November 12, 2020

Which Kate Winslet Would You Call Upon to Save the World?

If I knew Kate Winslet was in “Avatar 2”, About to be Released Since 1983 ™, I had forgotten it. But I was reminded recently when I scrolled across an article explaining that in learning to free dive for her role as an apparent water person in Cameron’s forthcoming sequel to his 2009 smash she filmed a scene in which she held her breath underwater for more than seven minutes. That broke the previous record held by Tom Cruise who in filming “Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation” held his breath underwater for over six minutes. What record, you ask, given that a free diver once held his breath underwater for 22 minutes? The Hollywood Stunt & Action-Adventure record, of course, underwater division, all of which are ratified by a panel of judges at Disney-MGM Studios every December. But this new record prompted an even more important question. If only a few weeks ago we wondered which Tom Cruise movie character above all others should be enlisted to save the world, it was evident in this stunning news that the question had been altered: which Kate Winslet character would you call upon to save the world? Glad you asked!

Which Kate Winslet Would You Call Upon to Save the World?

Of course, given the roles that Winslet favors, you can immediately rule out many of her characters. I love Julia in “Hideous Kinky” but she would forget halfway through that she was supposed to be saving the world and start doing yoga instead. Nancy Cowan would just shrug and drink scotch and Sarah Pierce would put a hot towel over her face and go to sleep. Ruth Barron would join a doomsday cult and Clementine Kruczynski would fan the apocalypse’s flames. April Wheeler might have had a chance to save the world if that blowhard Frank didn’t drag her down. Ophelia? I mean, come on, man.

No, to start finding Kate Winslet characters that would save the world we have to dig a little deeper, think a little harder. Maddy, the laundress who smuggles the Marquis de Sade’s manuscripts outta the insane asylum in “Quills”, she’s got the gumption to save the world. 

Bitsey Bloom, despite her terrible name, has the gumption too. But 47.6% of America would assume that, because Bitsey is an investigative journalist, she is lying about the end of the world. And besides, “The Life of David Gale” was a terrible movie.

Dr. Erin Mears from the CDC had to deal with a bunch of pesky bureaucrats and know-nothings who didn’t get what the big fuss was about this whole MEV-1 thing and, oh my God, how relevant/terrifying does that sound now? She also doesn’t make it to the end of the movie. Maybe more people around her should’ve worn a mask, huh?

Irina Vlasov, the Russian-Israeli mob matriarch of “Triple 9”, doesn’t make it to the end either but I didn’t buy it. The reason for her getting blown up was too big a stretch for the character as presented. And besides, if it was one boxing match to determine the fate of the world, I’m taking Marvelous Marvin Hagler despite finishing his career with a loss than the undefeated Rocky Marciano. And so I might just choose Irina too. She ain’t going out like that.

Even so, I am slightly more inclined to choose Tilly Dunnage of “The Dressmaker” over Irina. 57% on Rotten Tomatoes be damned, Tilly has got the kind of take-no-shit verve you’d want to stare down the end of all things.

On the other hand, Hester Wallace has the rationale, the know-how; she breaks the Enigma! And yet.

What blog do you think you’re reading? Where else did you think this was going to end? Batman? Superman? Wonder Woman? Black Panther? The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Please. My superhero is Rose DeWitt Bukater. She chopped off a dude’s handcuffs with her eyes closed. I rest my case. And I’ll see you in New York Harbor, after the world’s been saved. 

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