' ' Cinema Romantico: Pitching More TV Shows as Movies Starring Nicole Kidman

Thursday, January 14, 2021

Pitching More TV Shows as Movies Starring Nicole Kidman

Earlier this week it was announced that Nicole Kidman, her eminence, and Javier Bardem would star in Aaron Sorkin’s forthcoming film about Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz. This elicited mounds of casting second-guessing and fair enough. Is Nicole Kidman really the right choice to play Lucille Ball, never mind Lucy Ricardo? Would Anna Faris be better? Debra Messing? Who can say? What I can say, immense Kidman bias accounted for, is this: Nicole Kidman can do anything. She played Ann-Margret in “Any Given Sunday.” You didn’t know that, did you? Nope, I didn’t think you did. As such, the question is not how good Kidman will be in the role (very) or whether the movie itself will be psychologically astute or prestige-y drivel but, in the wake of tackling the sitcom’s greatest leading lady after already starring in a movie version of “Bewitched”, what TV show will Kidman bring to the silver screen next? 

A few ideas: 

Remington Steele

Queen Latifah is bringing Robert McCall back to life as Robyn McCall so why not give Hollywood’s other Queen the chance to resurrect Laura Holt? You could even have Pierce Brosnan reprise his role as the eponymous thief. {Blinks.} I just saw the poster. 


“Soapdish”, I guess, was kind of an indirect version of the 70s afternoon soap opera spoof. But it didn’t star Nicole Kidman. And Nicole Kidman was made to spoof the daytime soaps. “The Paperboy” meets “The Bold and the Beautiful.” The second Oscar should be imminent.

Laverne & Shirley

Did you know that Nicole Kidman and Naomi Watts, B.F.F.s, have not starred together in a movie since 1991? That’s pre-Clinton Administration! If we can’t have Nicole & Naomi getting into hijinks around Melbourne then let’s have them get into hijinks in Milwaukee! No? Have I crossed the sitcom sacrosanct line? Fine, if Nicole Kidman as Laverne DeFazio and Naomi Watts as Shirley Feeney is too heretical then we will just… 

Kate & Allie

…cast Naomi Watts as Kate McArdle and Nicole Kidman as Allie Lowell. You’re welcome!

The Flying Nun

As mentioned, her eminence already has a “Bewitched” movie, though it remains one of the few Kidman movies I have not seen, and so we will have to translate “The Flying Nun” to the big screen instead. What was “The Flying Nun” even about? No idea. Doesn’t matter. Jan de Bont hasn’t directed a movie since 2003. Let’s enlist him and turn this “Flying Nun”’ into an action-thriller, balancing poverty and chastity with broom chases and pyrotechnics and watch those sweet, sweet bucks roll in. 

Newhart / The Bob Newhart Show

A crossover between Bob Newhart’s 1970s CBS sitcom set in Chicago and Bob Newhart’s 1980s CBS sitcom set in Vermont in which, after the latter’s famous It Was Just A Dream series conclusion where he woke up in the former’s reality, finds Joanna Loudon (Kidman) winding her way through the space time continuum to exact revenge for being left to run the damn inn alone, sort of Newhart as Cronenberg. 

Valerie’s Family

You will remember that “Valerie’s Family” was rechristened “The Hogan Family” after its star Valerie Harper left the show due to a salary dispute and a subsequent court battle. To make way for the new version of the show, Harper’s character was killed off in an auto accident. …… But what if she wasn’t? What if the auto accident was staged by Sandy Hogan (Carrie-Ann Moss) – née Sandy Raskopf – to get her hooks on Valerie’s Family and now Valerie is out to get her family back by settling the score?

D.C. Follies

As a District bartender surrounded by puppet caricatures of Presidents and other political and cultural figures, Nicole Kidman will not just sling drinks while playing the human straight woman in our cinematic version. No, no, no, no, no. She will uncover a political conspiracy being hatched over so many draft beers; “The Parallax View” with puppets. 

1 comment:

Unknown said...

Recasting Valerie's Family to be a revenge thriller?! You are a strange man, but I like it.