Who Was the Golden Globes-iest Golden Globes Nominee?

Much like so many office Christmas parties were forced by obvious circumstances to move online, corporations gleefully rubbing their hands together as one more pesky barrier between the separation of home and work falls, the Golden Globes, Hollywood’s office Christmas party, has trundled on too in the form of a bi-coastal event, switching between the Beverly Hilton in L.A. and the Rainbow Room in New York, though likely in some socially distanced, limited person sort of way. This is sad in so much as the best part of The Globes is watching celebrities gossip between commercials and get soused on champagne in close proximity at their tables. On the other hand, the possibility exists that a semi-online Globes could be festive in its own janky way. Maybe Amal could accidentally Zoombomb George; maybe Sacha Baron Cohen and Isla Fisher could parody all the worst Zoom types; maybe Spike Lee could continually get caught streaming the Knicks game on his laptop and yelling at R.J. Barrett. (Editor’s Note: “Da 5 Bloods” earned no Globes nominations. Spike can watch the Knicks in peace. He is undoubtedly happier.) Who knows, I’m just glad it’s going forward (even though I am simultaneously not since holding it in a COVID hotspot is pretty stupid) and crossing my fingers that it is perplexing and ridiculous in all the best ways since that’s what we want from the Globes. Ok, ok, apologies; that’s the royal we, or the blogging we, I just slipped in there, when I meant it’s what *I* want from the Globes. In 2021, believe me, I am less interested in your pseudo-hot takes about a glorified cocktail party getting things wrong than ever. If they didn’t get things wrong, they wouldn’t be the Globes! Which, of course, in the wake of the 2021 Golden Globes nominations, brings me around to our annual exercise of determining the Golden Globes-iest nominee. Not the best nominee, or the most deserving nominee, but the nominee that most succinctly summarizes the HFPA’s mission statement to f*** stars.

First things first, three years after Natalie Portman righteously dropped a cherry bomb in the whole Globes toilet in announcing the Best Director winner by caustically noting all the nominees were male, the Globes have nominated three women for Best Director. More women than men! Then again, maybe that’s just because at some point even idiots cannot deny the truth. Then again, they did nominate Aaron Sorkin in the passably directed “Trial of the Chicago 7”; that’s more Globes-y. Plus, all that “Mank” love makes it clear Netflix was sending myriad members of the HFPA fruit baskets. (This is pure speculation! Do not report as fact!)

Kate Hudson?

As always, the categories of Best Actress and Actor in a Musical/Comedy in addition to the more formal Best Actress and Actor in a Drama cagily allowed for the Globes to sneak in a few extra party guests: namely, Lin-Manuel Miranda for “Hamilton” and James Corden for “The Prom.” That is so Globes-y. Nicole Kidman in all likelihood would have scored a nod for “The Prom” too as a way to ensure she could attend the party if she had not already scored a nod in the TV category for “The Undoing” which means Kidman’s nomination retains more classiness but I repeat myself. At the same time, Kate Hudson earned a nomination in the Best Actress Musical/Comedy category for “Music.” Which, what? The Madonna music video? Is it like one of those Living Planet movies but for art: Music? [Googles.] No, it’s a new movie that has yet to be released. Hmmmmmm. Perhaps this is like the Hollywood Film Awards? Whatever it is, Kate Hudson’s nod is pretty damn Globes-y.

But what’s this over here? Jared Leto for Best Supporting Actor in “The Little Things”? Where did that come from? That’s not even Globes-y; that’s insane. Who wants to invite Leto to the office Christmas party? Leto’s the guy who you tell the party is at the Holiday Inn out by LAX and then turn off your phone. Did HBO Max send fruit baskets too? (This is pure speculation! Do not report as fact!)

Glenn Close in “Hillbilly Elegy” feels like one of those moments when the HFPA was just conforming to the tedious awards handbook. Not near Globes-y enough.

And so. That brings us back to Best Supporting Actor and Bill Murray in “On the Rocks” who wins this year’s honorary Meryl Streep Award for the Golden Globes-iest Golden Globes nominee. Look, I liked “On the Rocks” and I liked Bill Murray in it. I have no idea if he’s a true awards or contender or not. But this has nothing to do with any of that, understand. Go debate ‘worthiness’ somewhere else. Ensuring Bill Murray gets to attend the We Don’t Even Know How The Hell These Are Going To Work, Let’s Wing It Golden Globes is inspired work from the HFPA’s Cruise Director. We want him at these Globes; we need him at these Globes; I’m picturing him remoting in while doing some variation of Brad Pitt in “Once Upon a Time in Hollywood” up on the roof fixing the satellite feed and guzzling beer and just sort of hijacking the entire telecast for 10 minutes. We should be so lucky.